Category: Teen Girls

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UIO Launches New Podcast Series

Kicking off UIO’s new podcast series, I have a fantastic conversation about identity with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, co-founders of Sisterhood, a social enterprise about turning girl’s self-doubt into self-confidence through creativity.

Out today, Series 2: Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out delves into questions that often arise during adolescence. How to deal with gender stereotypes and so on. Also, the podcast offers lots of tips on how to tap into your girl cell and use it as your super power.

Intriguing stuff! And that’s not all. To listen, download a feed reader and sign up for my rss feed here. Also, listen on iTunes, Spotify, Tunein, Stitcher and Soundcloud and check out our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page, all @uiopodcast.

In the meantime, not only do we have another exciting line-up of fabulous guests this season, we have also taken to the studio to improve the sound and overall production quality of the podcasts. Some of the episodes are taped in Maple Street Creative in Central London and others in the White City Place podcast hub in West London.  It’s all about making better podcasts for you.

On that note, coming up in two weeks is Episode 2: On Undiagnosed Mental Illness Inside Out with Eleanor Segall, writer and expert on mental illness. Stay tuned!

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Dating: No Need For Head Over Heels

I can’ t ever remember not having a romanticised view of dating. From fairy tales to music, storylines and lyrics are loaded with messages about the perfect partner. Over the years, finding Prince Charming, AKA Mr Right, has been the topic of loads of conversations and not just mine. Filmmakers, for example, widely use the topic for their romantic storylines:  My Best Friend’s Wedding, Pretty Woman, Titanic, Broke Back Mountain and Something New, a more niche film about interracial relationships. The list goes on with hints that there is someone (and I stress one) for everyone, and when you find that one, love will conquer all of the obstacles–jealousy, class division, homophobia and even racism and the likes of its close cousin colourism. Also, it will stamp out self-esteem problems.

Far be it for me to be pessimistic but here is the thing—the notion that there is only one perfect person out there for each of has to be wrong. First things first, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Really!

Therefore, pursing an unrealistic goal as if this is the ultimate life goal can be self defeating. So then how do you approach dating?  For starters, it helps to understand that every relationship, every friendship is not a means to an end says founder of The Romance Academy, Rachel Gardener, our guest in UIO: On Sex and Sexuality. Dating is as much about learning loads about yourself as is about learning to relate to another person.

Oops, I didn’t get that memo back then but it is nice to have it now. In those days it was all about ticking boxes. Needed to be popular, somewhat smart but didn’t matter as much if he was the star athlete. Other people around me looked at economic status, even race and religion to name a few. And then there was something about happiness in the pile, as if another person held the key to it.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that finding a suitable partner is not about rushing in ‘heels over head’ in the name of finding the one and only person. The good news is that dating, though daunting at times, presents an opportunity to make friends, to build character, have fun and to grow by leaps and bounds.

What does that have to do with my life you might be thinking through tears as you read this, having been dumped by the love of your life or forbidden a love, if you will, due to sexuality, for example.

Evidence tells us that few school relationships lead to life partners. There are exceptions but hooking up with a one and only early in life is not the rule. Still, making friends of the same and opposite sex while young is so important to learning to get along with others, to relate, to tolerate other opinions and other ways of life without the filter of looking for a life partner.

In those friendships, whether there are romantic ties are not, as mentioned you can learn a lot about yourself and other people, too, such as the importance of having boundaries and respecting them, keeping confidences, becoming trustworthy and trusting another person, and finally learning to love others and more importantly learning to love yourself.

Now on the romance of it, teen dating need not necessarily lead to sex. I say this because so often the belief is that it will inevitably, hence the warnings of the physical downsides of indulging unsafely—early pregnancies, STDs and so on. However, without reference to the emotional consequences of pre-mature sex—how sex is tied to deep communications and therefore self-worth—it continues to be glammed up as long as it is safe.  The truth is that without maturity, commitment, understanding and love, it can do more harm than good, as well.

As for sexuality, there tends to be a belief that sex, if only via a strong attraction, affirms sexuality. Not necessarily: data shows that as people are growing up, we might have strong feelings for people of the same sex or the opposite sex but that doesn’t define our sexuality. People change. Some might argue all the more reason to explore.

My advice is to ‘wait awhile’ and get to know yourself, learn to relate to other people, have fun dating, growing and learning. While it’s not about diving in ‘head over heels,’ as the cliché goes, it is not about approaching dating ‘heels over head either’. Literally, we stand on our heels, not our heads. As for our heads, we use them wisely. Enjoy!

More on dating to come in our upcoming podcast, UIO: On Dating Inside Out. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

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Catching Z’s In The First Place

As a teenage girl, I never thought I got enough sleep, always dreading the early rise to get up to go to school. Growing up in small town USA, with a school in the centre of the County, I had to get up extra early to catch the bus and if that wasn’t enough to drag me out of bed, my aunt, who lived next door, was our school bus driver. So no room from catching just a few more z’s. My siblings and I were up and at em five days a week and on the seventh day, we were up equally as early to go to Sunday School.

Can’t remember why we had to rise early on the sixth day, probably because my parents rejected the notion lying in. What with work to do. Not a chance.

In those days, I felt badly done by and swore than when I reached adulthood, I would sleep all the time.  Fast forward all these years later and I am still feeling a bit sleep deprived, particularly right about now, having caught a long haul flight from London on Monday to the US. With a number of delays, I lost an entire day and haven’t been able to get it back and never will according to Judit Ressinka, our guest on Episode 2: Your Body Inside Out.

Sleep is not something you can catch up on, rather it is something that you manage as best as you can from day-to-day for a number of reasons. The key one, according to Nicola Morgan, guest on our most recent podcast: Episode 12: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out, is that sleep informs our health. In short, the brain needs sleep to function.

Research shows that teenagers need more than perhaps some others of us as they continue to grow. No wonder I felt a bit dozy throughout my teen years but listen up teen girls, I have a confession to make: I played my part in that sleep deprivation, too.

Well before mobile devices and so on, we had landlines and I have spent a many of night, hunkered under my covers whispering to a girlfriend or a boyfriend when my mother and father thought I was asleep. Wouldn’t you know it, there was another device before mobile phones that could be misused to interrupt sleep.

However, had I known what I know today, perhaps I would have taken some responsibility for my own sleep needs. Though I can’t go back, I can share lessons learned.

  • Put the devices away 1.5 hours before going to bed as Nicola Morgan points out.
  • Leave worry out of the bed or you’ll be worrying and trying to work out the problems throughout the night, whether awake or asleep.
  • Go to sleep earlier if necessary, according to what time you have to get up.
  • Don’t blame it all on your everyone else– school, athletics, parents and so on.
  • And finally, just relax long before climbing into bed.

And remember it is not about catching up on sleep, it is about getting it right in the first place. Got it!

 

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Your Online Wellbeing

One of the things that I love about blogging in this space is the opportunity to look down memory lane and offer some insight based on my own experiences.  Not this week, since the topic of the hour was unheard of when I was a teenage girl, though most of us cannot imagine life without it. Yes, you guessed it—we’re talking our beloved electronic devices and connecting to the internet with them.

Big topic for teenage girls, right? Of course. it is, but according to Nicola Morgan, expert on the adolescent brain, the topic is as crucially important for adults as it is teenagers. In our special summer edition podcast, Episode 12: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out, Nicola tells us why we are so captivated by our devices and what compels us to stay online all the time, okay most of the time.  Also, she offers more insight on the subject in her latest book, The Teenage Guide to Life Online.

Admittedly, I have been a big proponent of confiscating phones and devices from teens particularly before bedtime without reference to what using the phone and being online obsessively might be doing to my own sleep, my own concentration, my life.

A few months ago, however, my nutritionist suggested that I put the phone away at least 1.5 hours before going to bed and I upped the stakes to two hours and have been reaping benefits since, at least when I manage to comply. But here is the thing, the penny still didn’t drop that I have been practicing double standards, as have many adults, until my conversation with Nicola.

In short, Nicola suggests that adults practice what we preach and offers three top tips about device and online management: 1) Switch off and put out of sight 1.5 hours before bedtime, 2) Put away at mealtimes, even a coffee with a friend, 3) Ban during a conversations. Don’t even glance. Gulp!

Now is the time for my confession. Last summer when my niece Jana, my now 15, visited London, the smart phone was indeed a point of contention. It and it only could cause the type of disturbance that could ruin Jana’s holiday to my mind. So, when she was walking around London clutching it, I cajoled and prodded, ‘put the phone away and check out this and that and so on’.

And at dinner, no phones were allowed at the table, not Jana’s anyhow, and at night, the phone was removed from her presence, ensuring a good night’s sleep for all, well for me anyhow. At least one night, separation anxiety caused such an upheaval that, my darling niece was up rather early asking if she could have her phone back.

Meanwhile, I was ever so determined to save her from it while all the time obsessively checking my own messages late at night and justifying occasional use at the dinner table or during a conversation. Worse yet, I probably caused a few second-hand disruptions, using my phone when she and my nephew had put theirs away with a view to concentrate on London.

I think this is the biggie for many adults. After all, we have to check work messages, take a phone call, do important things, right. Wrong answer, says Nicola Morgan.

For the rest of the story, Listen to Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out on iTunes, Soundcloud, TuneIn,  Stitcher and other listening apps. Meanwhile, sounds like a much needed opportunity to bridge a gap between the generations.  Jana, I am waiting at the half way mark, phone well out of sight. See you on the bridge.

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Kicking the Comparison Habit

Today while with my personal trainer, Laura, I noticed a younger woman with her trainer lifting some pretty heavy looking weights. And suddenly I felt guilty for moaning about the seven kilogram (15 lb) weight I had used to do split squats, but the rush of emotion didn’t stop at guilt. It hurried to something else that can be even more of a confident buster than guilt. Yep, you guessed it—the comparison narrative.

“She is much younger than I am,” I said to Laura.

“We don’t do comparisons in here,” Laura replied on automatic pilot.

Only then did I realise that as confident as I can be about many things that I do, whether working out, writing, podcasting or even driving, I find myself falling into a comparison narrative, even if it is only with myself. I thought I had squashed this narrative years ago.

When I was a teenager, I remember entering the 100-yard dash race during a field day at school, favoured to win. Back then I was quite a flier and could out run just about any boy or girl my age or even a bit older. But when the whistle blew, I stalled. I didn’t have the confidence in my ability to win. I have never forgotten.

And now that I look back on it. I think it had to do with comparing myself to the other girls in my class. Those who were athletes were arguably competitive and rightly so. They were confident in their games, whatever that was. But I, who had only displayed my athletic ability at church picnics, at home and so on, compared myself to them and didn’t measure up. There went my high school, college and life interest in becoming an athlete.

And over the years, when the comparison narrative has cropped up, pushing me away from something, I have managed to put it in check, particularly to do with writing. It was only today that I realised that though it doesn’t rear its pushy head aggressively the way it used to, it turns up subtly and in the slightest way can knock my confidence.

So just remember teen girls, when you find yourself comparing yourself, your abilities to someone else, put it into perspective. There’s only one you and all you can do is be the best you can be. No one else can do that. That takes trusting in your abilities, whether that’s in academics, sports, drama, life. That takes confidence.

Wear it and wear it well, like you would protective gear for inclement weather, to paraphrase Cheryl Grace, guest on Episode 1: Your Confidence Inside Out. Listen on iTunes. As for me, so much for paying attention to others while training. It’s all about me next Tuesday. But don’t tell Laura. We wouldn’t want her comparing, now would we.

 

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Why Talk About Sex and Sexuality?

Since I launched UIO, I have talked to many folks about sex and sexuality. The most in-depth conversation was for Episode 8: On Sex and Sexuality with Rachel Gardner, founder of the Romance Academy, who like me advocates focusing on building relationships and learning more about yourself before making pre-mature decisions about sex.

A non-starter, right, considering all the nuances in the air, whether in music, film, at school or just in the community, seemingly sex has become the biggest part of everything.  Recently, someone said to me: all teenagers have sex.

No wonder in one of my latest conversations on the topic, a parent said that when her daughter turns 16, she plans to put her on birth control. She simply is not going to trust a 16-year-old.

What does trust have to do with it? I asked. Surely birth control isn’t the answer. What about talking, sooner rather than later, and then if birth control is in order, fair enough, along with protection against diseases. But what about a real conversation to put it all into perspective—the good, the bad, the indifferent.

With scepticism in her voice, she pretty much fobbed me off. That got me wondering why it is so difficult for parents and teens to have a real conversation about sex, the hottest topic on the planet.

When I was a teen, though I enjoyed talking to my parents about a lot of things, asking all sorts of questions about the world, I never broached the topic of sex and neither did they. Though it was there, you couldn’t ignore it, it was a taboo subject. Others around my age, whether from a liberal or conservative household, shared similar stories.

One acquaintance confided that her mother’s parting words to her when she moved out were: “Don’t get pregnant,” though they hadn’t talked about sex previously! Another said, though she was clearly having sex with a boyfriend before she left home, neither of her parents mouthed a word. How was she to take care of herself? She didn’t know what to think. Not to mention other nuances that she had to deal with at school and so on.

Similar stories have been confided about sexuality, too, whether the topic has either been ignored or squashed. End of story.Actually not. Not having real conversations with guardians about tough topics such as sex and sexuality is often the beginning of difficult times. There are many reasons why it is important to talk about such topics, including avoiding conflict, stumbling into harmful situations, suffering unnecessary consequences, building trust and so on. Okay, but whose responsibility is it to broach the heated subject?

Parents are the adults in the situation, in charge of the household, right. Surely, they ought to bring it up. Imagine rushing in from school, throwing off your backpack and pulling up at the dinner table to be eyeballed by one or both of your parents, followed by a wry smile and then the dreaded words: “We need to talk about sex and/or sexuality!”

I suspect I would have wished for the floor to swallow me up than to reveal my real feelings on the matter. But I do remember somehow understanding the lay of the land and as a teen my passionate views didn’t always comply. In such a scenario, my defences might have gone up, certain that the talk could only be one sided.

So, what about the option of bringing up the topic yourself?  Not a chance, right, particularly for someone who has a question of sexuality with fears of facing unaccepting guardians and wider family. In this instance, it might be the parent who wants the floor to swallow them up.

Though both scenarios are less than ideal, the key is that parents listen to their teens, their desires, their hopes, their fears, and visa versa that teens listen to their parents, their desires, their fears, their hope, both with respect to values and morals but without judgment.

It is a tall order but it eliminates rejection, which leads to isolation, depression even suicidal thoughts. Make no mistake about it, I am not advocating a green light for teens to do as you please, but I am proposing a green light that affords you to bring any and everything you have to someone who has your best interest at heart, talk about it.  In Episode 6: Your Mind Inside Out, psychotherapist Jane Goldberg talks about the importance of talking about all feelings, good and bad.

Also, talking openly and honestly educates and informs for better decision making. There is so much focus on the physical consequences of pre-mature sex, that little is said about the mental pitfalls, of which there are many. Check out Episode 8 for more on this.

Finally, talk helps growth and development, puts you in touch with values, who you really are, what drives you. Just remember conversation is a dialogue and a good exercise in listening. It requires a bit of patience, too, as does life. Still working on that one.

 

 

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Six Ways To Handle Peer Pressure

The saying goes that only two things in life are certain—death and taxes. And the latter has become a rather grey area for some. Never mind. But here is the thing: the older I get the more I wonder if there is a third certainty that we all have to reckon with. Yep, you guessed it: peer pressure.

We all experience it throughout life. Ever since I can remember, I’ve known about it. Of course, as a child I might not have known its name or fully understood it, but when one of the kids of my youth encouraged me to hide underneath my great grandparents’ old house, though we had been warned of snakes and other dangers, I couldn’t resist the possibility of an adventure. Others had done it and lived to tell the tale. So did I but not without causing a lot of upset to a whole lot of people.

Fast forward, as a middle-aged woman (gulp) the pressure is still on daily, also known as keeping up with the Joneses, not something that I consciously engage in. While peer pressure can be far more elusive at this age, it’s there. For example, when considering strong encouragement from a peer on what outfit to wear for a celebrated occasion, for example, I find myself tempted to give in to what others are doing or to make comparisons that leave me feeling glum.

Make no mistake about it, I know all talk about grooming isn’t about peer pressure. I receive lots of handy advice with no pressure at all and have been known to give out some too, but when peers, people around us, pressure us to do things that make us uncomfortable that might have negative consequences mentally or physically, it is important to see it for what it is—peer pressure.

My examples are small things, don’t sweat them, but there are bigger ones that can be quite intense during the teen years such as pressure to stay out beyond a curfew, drink, smoke, cheat on an exam, get up to shenanigans online, engage in violence, have sex and so on.

Many of these big topics gain momentum in the name of youth or because they are billed as a rite of passage and/or because everybody else is doing it. And if given in to, the consequences can be life altering.

Thankfully, there’s plenty of wonderful advice out there to manage peer pressure. Hence, I have taken six top tips from UIO’s podcast series:

 

  • Keep self-confidence in tow – ‘Just like we put on coats and gloves when we go out into inclement weather, we need to put on self-confidence when we step out into the world.’

  • Show yourself some love and take care of yourself – ‘Your body serves you now. It really is your temple. Look after it.’

  • Don’t worry what everybody else is doing – ‘Try to avoid making comparisons, you are unique.’

  • Know yourself, what you really value and hang onto it – ‘The thing that you want to dull because you are not fitting in. That is your bit of uniqueness. Own it. It is your superpower.’

  • Dare to be different – ‘It takes a brave girl or woman to say wait a minute, I think I am worth more. I have infinite worth and value.’

  • Think about who you hang out with; who you choose to trust – ‘Those that matter won’t mind; those that mind won’t matter.’

All good stuff from the ladies of UIO. Now about that adventure; it was a hiding to nothing and hardly worth the admonishment I received from my father. As for bagging the right outfit for a special occasion, now is the time to dare to be different. Feeling less stressed already.

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Mind the Generation Gap Please

Mind the gap, please when you are communicating with your parents. Sure, mind the gap is a London underground catchphrase but not doing so can lead to serious consequences. And so can not considering that there are likely many generation gaps between you and your parents. This gap, unto itself, can raise illusive barriers as well as very tangible ones that makes it very difficult to communicate during the best of times, let alone during the worst of times.

When I was a teen girl, a very long time ago, mind you, I didn’t have the nerve to speak to my parents about certain topics that were looming large in my life—dating, peer pressure, body image concerns and so on. It was not the done thing and quite fankly, the assumption was that they were not interested and even if they were they wouldn’t share my viewpoint on the issues anyhow.

Make no mistake about  it, my parents were not evil people, quite the opposite, but like most of their peers they seemed to have a closed door policy, if you will, concerning certain issues. They set the boundaries, the rules, and we followed them or not as best as we could and suffered the consequences later.

Looking back, however,  I can see the errors in my thinking. I could have saved myself a lot of time, emotional outbursts and even heartache, had I even knocked at the door, let alone pushed at it gently.

Fast forward, parental styles nowadays do seem to be more open, but even if they aren’t, there is too much margin for error to allow the door to stay closed. It is crucial to take the lead and gently push the door open to communicate with your parents.

In doing so, however, there are just a few things to mind that might help bridge the foreboding generation gap.

  1. Maintain Good Terms – Make an effort to maintain good relations with your parents and/or guardians, not just when you need a ride home, money for an activity, etc. But keeping up your end as a family member and actively seeking out opportunities to do something together whether in the kitchen, in the yard, etc. Thinking back, I had some of the best conversations with my dad, when I helped him wash the car.
  2. Speak Their Language – Sure times have moved on and so many phrases are yesterday, however, not understanding where someone else is coming from raises barriers and causes feelings of exclusion. So TEACH THEM YOUR LANGUAGE, TOO.
  3. Honour Boundaries – Every family has them, even if they are unspoken but particularly when they are spoken, honour them. Try to do what you agreed and when you can’t acknowledge that you didn’t. However if trying to do something is causing great stress, explain this and try to negotiate a middle ground. What I am not saying is to disrespect the parental no.
  4. Respect Their No – They have a right to set rules, as they are responsible for you. Having said this, I firmly believe teens have a voice, collectively and individually. Do use your voice respectfully. Throwing the phone down or slamming doors won’t get you a yes anyhow. It is likely to keep the door that you’re trying to open tightly shut. But finding the right time, telling them that it is important to you, that you really need to talk, will help you share your views more confidently and feel valued and assured that your parents are listening, even if they still say no.
  5. Listen To Them – It is a a two-way street, right. Just as you want them to listen to you,  you need to do the same thing. Just because someone else is doing it, doesn’t mean it is right for you. Listen without thinking of your comeback or paying lip service quickly and then doing your own thing anyhow. Listening involves processing information and understanding what it is being said and why.

When it is all said and done, remember you might find that you still have fundamental disagreements, considering the generation gap(s), tried and tested values, traditions and so on that contribute to your parents thinking and decision making processes.  Still keep in mind that most parents have your best interest at heart and want what they believe is right for you. Take a deep breath, mind the gap please, and gently push the door open to communication that feeds into interdependence for healthy family relations.

 

 

 

 

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Putting Body Image Into Perspective

Body image, the topic of Episode 4: Your Body Image Inside Out,  is a bugbear for most of us throughout life but during the teen years, it is exacerbated by all the focus on looks, fitting in and so on.  Continuing our efforts to tune into girls, week four of our UIO social media campaign, kicked off with an attention getting inspirational quote about self-love from Personal Trainer Laura Miles, who has shared her own story to do with body image throughout the podcast.

Also, leading up to Christmas, we featured Laura, a hot tip from her and over the Christmas weekend and beyond we jumped into some important conversations to do with body image. We couldn’t resist promoting and sharing the Girl Scouts invaluable resource on body image, Yes Your Daughter Just Called Herself Fat. It not only points out that body image problems start early, as early as age 10, but also offers helpful tips on how to manage such issues.

The other conversation that we found refreshing had to do with sports. While girls sometimes shy away from sports because of worries about body image, girls in the Basketball Inspiration Programme found the court a place where they felt confident about body and self. How refreshing!

On Sunday, we featured a a former Girl Guide, who continues her journey in Guiding as a leader. Ines suffered from body image problems from an early age but at age 22, has learned not to worry about society standards, a path to a happier, healthier her.

If you missed anything, check it out @uiopodcast on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and join us in #tuningintogirls. Oh, and if you didn’t hear the podcast, it’s not too late to listen right here. Also, you can listen on iTunes, Stitcher and Tunein.  Stay tuned for next week’s round up on Hair.

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What Really Matters to Teen Girls

Reflecting upon my own teenage years, I remember valuing what I wore to school, the condition of my hair and its length, and what car my parents would use to collect me after cheerleader practice. Likely, the latter came from feeling embarrassed when my dad picked me up one day in an old collectors car that he had purchased out of obsession. Never mind that it was cool to him and probably would be worth a lot of money today, I was thrilled when he finally sold that ole blue thing; I think it was a Chevy.

Of course, these are all superficial values and on some level they were influenced by the signs of my time. Still, much of what I cared about has stuck with me til this day, particularly my obsession with the condition of my hair. These days I don’t mind so much about the length but to some degree parts of even my most superficial values have found their way into core of my existence. For example, the hair value has to do more with what’s health nowadays, as well as how it looks.

On a deeper level, however, I valued friendship, honesty and actually doing the right thing. I did not like the idea of doing the wrong thing, whatever that meant to me. And when I fell short, it haunted me for days, if not for years. And until this day, I am still a bit pollyannaish.

A few years ago when I was doing some work for the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts, I remember pointing out the bright side of a dire situation and a colleague saying: you have an answer for everything, don’t you. Never mind

The point is this: our core values tend to form early on in life and can steer us from the teenage years—often chalked up as a time of discovery and rebellion—to adulthood during the best and worst of times. Thus, knowing what really matters is important.

In my latest podcast with awarding winning coach Jenny Garrett, UIO: Your Values Inside Out, Jenny points out that it was her strong values that likely saw her through her teenage years.

In retrospect, I have to agree. Often when facing tough decisions or even life changing situations, what it came down to for me is: what really mattered to me, not what everyone else thought mattered.

To listen to Episode 7, click here or check it out on iTunes, Stitcher, Tunein or Soundcloud. Truly, there is no better time than the present to think about what you really value for a happier healthier existence. UIO: Your Values Inside Out explores the topic for today’s teenage girl.