Tag: dating

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When Your Parent Starts Dating

Dating can be a bit tricky at its best–getting to know another person and discovering so much about yourself.  Imagine, if you will, what it is like to date after the breakdown of a longterm relationship or the loss of a partner. Though I don’t have first hand experience in the area, l know many people who do, and I can attest to what it is like to date someone in such circumstances.

Navigating a new landscape can be challenging unto self and when there are children on the scene, it can feel a bit like a trial for all parties involved.  But no one has to fail! Though it might feel that way particularly for the offspring.

In this snippet from Your Family Matters , Dr Lisa Doodson offers practical advice on how to express concerns and feelings, while giving consideration to your parent and the choice they have made. Watch here.

And if you haven’t already, listen to the full podcast, Your Family Matters, on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Happy listening and do feel free to contact me here for further information, questions, etc.

 

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Dating as a teen – setting boundaries

I am surrounded by teen girls, not literally of course, but here in Sorrento, Italy, lots of girls from around the world and of course, boys, too are on holiday with their family. Also, teen girls are holding down or shall I say holding up summer jobs, not only at our hotel, but also at restaurants and shops, many of them family establishments.

It is wonderfully refreshing not only to see the camaraderie but watch the girls gain life experiences and skills, which is a great segue to this week’s topic—dating.

Bear with! You might wonder what family and work have to do with dating? Quite a bit though indirectly. For example, learning how to relate overlaps in all three areas of life and so does respecting boundaries and honouring values.

Learning is a big part of growing up and rarely do we think about growth opportunities when it comes to dating.But the truth is: just as we learn all about driving and get a bit of practice in before driving a car responsibly, so it is with dating.

Brushing up on your communications skills while on holiday with family might come in handy. Not only can you practice the art of conversation while talking to parents about new and exciting experiences, you can learn a lot about yourself and others along the way. Just keep in mind that a good conversation requires effective listening, too. As one expert put it during a workshop I attended years ago: to be interesting is to be interested.

That said, you might find yourself interested in things that others simply are not. Happens all the time and as with family sometimes it’s appropriate and fun to try new things and sometimes it simply isn’t. A respectable no is all that is necessary if the situation is not for you or wait awhile. It could go against your values; put you out of your comfort zone.

Knowing where to draw the line teaches the importance of not only having boundaries but also honouring the boundaries of others. Sometimes other’s boundaries might feel a bit like a drag but it’s their space, not yours. For example, I noticed a teen chuck water on his sleeping mother on her chaise longe, after she had been in the pool playing ball with him earlier. She was not amused, though he was. Never mind! The point is at that particular moment, she felt he crossed a line. As for dating, it is important to establish boundaries upfront and to honour yours and the boundaries of your date, too.

After all boundaries are intrinsically linked to values, your own as well as your date’s. So go ahead, enjoy your summer, growing and gaining experiences that are not only fun but will also serve you as you explore dating. For more tips, listen to our podcast series 2, episode 4 – UIO: On dating Inside Out with Cat Williamson. Check out other related UIO podcast, too.

Enjoy your summer!

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The Joys Of Dating

As if there isn’t enough pressure on dating as it is and crops up Valentine’s Day.  Bear with, I’m not really a kill joy about this loveable day, and I do enjoy a good box of chocolates now and again and some lovely flowers, too.  But the thing is, with all the hype around love and romance, sometimes folks who are already dating or even married feel undue pressure and those who are single just might feel a bit left out.

Good thing we’ve released On Dating Inside Out, Episode 4 from Series 2. In it Cat Williams offers insight on what dating is really all about. It is not only an opportunity to get to know another person but you can learn a lot about yourself, too.

When I was a teenage girl, the last thing I thought dating would do was teach me about myself but in hindsight, I can see very well how it did and some of the growth opportunities that opened up through dating, though they didn’t feel like opportunities then, more like hindrances.

For example, dating helps with establishing boundaries.  These boundaries are important not only when it comes to putting the brakes on going further in a sexual relationship than one is comfortable with but also they can play a role in deciding on what type of people you want to hang out with, even at school.

In hindsight, had I understood this last point, I would have found it much easier to stay in a spacious place as a teenager and not feel the pressure of hanging out without someone just because they were popular and so on.

This type of dating doesn’t show the concept at its best at all.  In fact, it can taint the experience and cause confusion about dating.  But lots of good advice out there to clear up confusion.  One tip is to speak to someone you can trust when presented with dating challenges.  This could be a parent, an older sibling or an auntie.  You might be thinking—fat chance that I will be talking to a parent. She won’t understand.

Try her. She has likely been there and done that, though in a different generation with some different challenges. I know, I know talk about dating can be quite awkward. I remember avoiding the topic like the plaque but upon reflection, a conversation about dating opens the door to self-discovery and could bridge communications gaps.

Likely my idea of dating was a totally different idea than either of my parents had.  It wasn’t until I turned about sixteen, the dating age they set, that they laid down the rules, curfews and all.  But still no specific talk about etiquette, if you know what I mean.

I think, however, had we chatted about what I thought dating meant, they would have found themselves far more at ease than they could have ever imagined.  No grand ideas at all, certainly when it came to romance.  Just thought it was cool to have a boyfriend to walk me from one class to another, to carry my books, to chat to on the phone sometimes.

That was my level of maturity at the time and according Cat Williams, we all differ in this area.  Key, I think, is to get to know yourself, enjoy the teenage years, sharing activities and interests with friends, whether you are dating or not. The same goes for Valentines’ Day—enjoy it in any case.

For more tips on dating, check out Series 2: Episode 4 – On Dating Inside Out.  Watch this space for more hot tips on enjoying your teen years.

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What Is Personal Development Anyway?

It’s Elizabeth and I’m delighted to once again be invited to guest blog on the UIO podcast page.

This week I will be talking about personal development, a topic that will be covered also in our upcoming podcast in December.

Personal development is an often used but rarely explained term. For me, the term refers to investing in myself so that I can manage myself effectively regardless of what life might bring my way. Personal development has allowed me to be proactive and rather than wait for good things to happen, I try to get out there as much as possible and make them happen.

An example of this was the time I was made redundant from a high profile role in I.T. while on maternity leave with my first child. Initially, I was devastated and didn’t have a clue what to do. What would we do for money? How would we pay the bills? Would anyone else want to employ me? Would I have to cut my precious maternity leave short? The worries seemed endless.

Fortunately, I had just read an article on personal development and as an already optimistic person whose ‘glass is always half full,’ I decided to take this situation as a positive, rather than a negative, opportunity and used the time to reflect personally about what it was I actually wanted to do with my life – possibly for the first time ever.

I decided I wanted to become self employed and do a role whereby I could not only earn enough financially, but also work around my baby and enjoy spending the cherished early years together. I then retrained to do exactly that. It hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had my fair share of struggles, but I haven’t looked back since. I now work around both my beloved children and I’m doing something I actually really enjoy.

Personal development therefore begins with self awareness– know who you are and be it!

As we approach the New Year, like most people, I use it as an opportunity to set my ‘New Year resolutions.’ In so doing, I feel it is just as important to have a plan to realise my goal, as it is to know what it is I actually want to achieve.

An example of this is my yearly quest to set about losing weight! More often than not, my good intentions only lasted until the end of January (if that sometimes!), as I never had a plan to help me achieve it. Simply stating “I will lose weight” isn’t going to get the job done! With this in mind, last year I devised a course of action and by mapping out details specifically, I actually achieved my goal.

Personal development therefore continues with having a plan – know what you want and go out and get it!

To conclude therefore, my journey to self awareness has led me to understand that personal development is about taking the time and, making the commitment, to invest in my greatest resource–me. I think that when I put effort into developing myself on a personal level, the rewards can be amazing. I may not always achieve my goal, but I genuinely feel that I am experiencing a richer and more rewarding life by committing to pursuing my own objectives.

So, don’t be put off because the results are not always the desired outcome but do remember that to achieve what you want in life is to know that the key to success lies in the ability to manage yourself in a variety of situations. That ability comes through making a commitment to personal development and I firmly believe that this is the first step on the path to personal fulfilment.

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What Dating Has To Do With Self-Discovery?

When we talk about dating, we often hear about either the romanticised version of it—finding a happily ever after—or the complexities—not finding a happily ever with all the pitfalls in trying too.

There must be a somewhere in between, right! And as I think back to my teen years and consider the insightful information from relationships counsellor Cat Williams in our latest podcast, UIO: On Dating Inside Out, I’ve had a lightbulb moment.

This middle ground must have to do with self-discovery. Great, you might tell yourself. I think I know a bit about me. Of course, you do. But here is the thing: anytime we venture into something new, there are oodles of opportunities for growth and in this growth, we often have revelations, that we might not have otherwise discovered.

And with these revelations, if you don’t like them, you can use the experience to change. And if you do like what you learn, use it to get even better.

Thinking back to my teen years, I had a few experiences that fit the bill. It took me only once to discover that I didn’t like the idea of someone believing he had the right to touch me because we were dating. At a basketball game, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to sit behind me, giving me little choice but to lean back on him and from there he proceeded to touch me completely inappropriately.

First of all, I felt humiliated and then mortified. I hadn’t had any physical closeness with him and had no intentions of doing so. Yet he assumed that he had the right to touch me. What gave him that idea? What does he think of me? Next, all I could think was if my mom and dad hear about this, there goes my cheerleading days and rightly so. Somehow, I wriggled out of the tortuous situation and broke off the relationship at the first opportunity, probably the next day. But what I didn’t do was tell him why I broke it off, at least I don’t remember telling him.

So, what did I learn? First, there was the bit about self-confidence. I didn’t have the confidence to speak out on the matter, then and there. This came as a shock to me because I had no problem speaking out at home. Next, I learned how important reputation was to me and still is. In addition, I learned about the importance of family. I felt that I had somehow violated a trust between me and my parents. And it suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to be a trustworthy person, not only with my parents but in general.

For years afterwards, I had a guilt about the experience with loads of questions. Why did I let it happen? Why didn’t I do something about it, then and there. Why did I think it was something I did that made him behave badly and so on? And later, as I was talking to an acquaintance who was in her teens about the experience, I recounted the positive lessons I had taken away, too. I remember how moving forward I escaped such situations by taking responsibility for where I sat and how I sat.

And I left school with my good name in-tact and with my family values in tow and a desire to go off to New York City someday. And I did with the lessons of confidence and much more close to my chest. Fast forward all these years later and I am still learning from the experience or re-learning, that is.

As Cat Williams points out in On Dating Inside Out, objectification has nothing to do with the person being objectified, nor does bullying. What has to do with you is how you handle it. It’s all about self-discovery. For more hot tips, check out the podcast on iTunes as well as Soundcloud or subscribe on this site to hear more about how to navigate dating for the best possible outcomes right in the space you are in. Oh and yeah, don’t forget to have fun. A lesson I stumbled upon, too.

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Get The Inside Scoop On Dating

Having been married for nearly 20 years, I’m clueless about modern day dating—the various apps and internet sites and so on but by and large, dating is dating. And when you are a teen it can be a tad bit awkward wading into a new world that quite frankly can be fast and furious.

If you are reading this in anticipation of hot tips to make dating less awkward and slow down the process a bit, the countdown is nearly over. Next Wednesday, we release UIO: On Dating Inside Out with relationship counsellor Cat Williams.

While Cat agrees wholeheartedly that dating ought to be fun, she also points out that it offers endless opportunities to get to know yourself. While some of you might be thinking but I already know me, others could be having a lightbulb moment. And Cat’s got news for us all: getting to know yourself can last a lifetime.

In any case, the podcast offers inside information for everyone and focuses on getting the best possible experience from dating. After all, at the heart of dating is learning to relate to another person while staying true to self, which can be overlooked when the giddy feelings rush in.

Not to worry, we all get them. Still wouldn’t it be nice to put it all into perspective, enjoy the teen space and learn as much as you can about dating inside out! The podcast is out October 24th. Loads of ways to listen. Subscribe to our RSS feed or listen on Itunes, Tunein, Stitcher or Soundcloud. Stay tuned.

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Dating: No Need For Head Over Heels

I can’ t ever remember not having a romanticised view of dating. From fairy tales to music, storylines and lyrics are loaded with messages about the perfect partner. Over the years, finding Prince Charming, AKA Mr Right, has been the topic of loads of conversations and not just mine. Filmmakers, for example, widely use the topic for their romantic storylines:  My Best Friend’s Wedding, Pretty Woman, Titanic, Broke Back Mountain and Something New, a more niche film about interracial relationships. The list goes on with hints that there is someone (and I stress one) for everyone, and when you find that one, love will conquer all of the obstacles–jealousy, class division, homophobia and even racism and the likes of its close cousin colourism. Also, it will stamp out self-esteem problems.

Far be it for me to be pessimistic but here is the thing—the notion that there is only one perfect person out there for each of has to be wrong. First things first, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Really!

Therefore, pursing an unrealistic goal as if this is the ultimate life goal can be self defeating. So then how do you approach dating?  For starters, it helps to understand that every relationship, every friendship is not a means to an end says founder of The Romance Academy, Rachel Gardener, our guest in UIO: On Sex and Sexuality. Dating is as much about learning loads about yourself as is about learning to relate to another person.

Oops, I didn’t get that memo back then but it is nice to have it now. In those days it was all about ticking boxes. Needed to be popular, somewhat smart but didn’t matter as much if he was the star athlete. Other people around me looked at economic status, even race and religion to name a few. And then there was something about happiness in the pile, as if another person held the key to it.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that finding a suitable partner is not about rushing in ‘heels over head’ in the name of finding the one and only person. The good news is that dating, though daunting at times, presents an opportunity to make friends, to build character, have fun and to grow by leaps and bounds.

What does that have to do with my life you might be thinking through tears as you read this, having been dumped by the love of your life or forbidden a love, if you will, due to sexuality, for example.

Evidence tells us that few school relationships lead to life partners. There are exceptions but hooking up with a one and only early in life is not the rule. Still, making friends of the same and opposite sex while young is so important to learning to get along with others, to relate, to tolerate other opinions and other ways of life without the filter of looking for a life partner.

In those friendships, whether there are romantic ties are not, as mentioned you can learn a lot about yourself and other people, too, such as the importance of having boundaries and respecting them, keeping confidences, becoming trustworthy and trusting another person, and finally learning to love others and more importantly learning to love yourself.

Now on the romance of it, teen dating need not necessarily lead to sex. I say this because so often the belief is that it will inevitably, hence the warnings of the physical downsides of indulging unsafely—early pregnancies, STDs and so on. However, without reference to the emotional consequences of pre-mature sex—how sex is tied to deep communications and therefore self-worth—it continues to be glammed up as long as it is safe.  The truth is that without maturity, commitment, understanding and love, it can do more harm than good, as well.

As for sexuality, there tends to be a belief that sex, if only via a strong attraction, affirms sexuality. Not necessarily: data shows that as people are growing up, we might have strong feelings for people of the same sex or the opposite sex but that doesn’t define our sexuality. People change. Some might argue all the more reason to explore.

My advice is to ‘wait awhile’ and get to know yourself, learn to relate to other people, have fun dating, growing and learning. While it’s not about diving in ‘head over heels,’ as the cliché goes, it is not about approaching dating ‘heels over head either’. Literally, we stand on our heels, not our heads. As for our heads, we use them wisely. Enjoy!

More on dating to come in our upcoming podcast, UIO: On Dating Inside Out. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

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What’s New?

Though school is at last out for most on this side of the pond, it is about to resume for some on the other side. Regardless, you might do with a few tips on online well-being, whether it is to make sure you are doing exciting and interesting things to keep you brain ticking over the heated summer or it is to find a happy medium between your social life, school and family. Our latest podcast is a must listen to over and over again.

Podcasts are like that—keepers like good friends, full of tips, encouragement and so on. That’s why we are kicking off a new podcast season come September, delving into some hot topics and offering lots of need to know info, such as tips on Rising Above Odds.

Whether the odds are stacked against you in academics, athletics, or your social life, you can win. More on that next week as we talk a little bit more about that particular podcast. Also, on the schedule is the huge topic of Identity. Having a strong sense of identity is crucial to high self-esteem and entwined with values. Still, identity can be ever so confusing. Tell you something new, right?  Unfortunately, it is what it is but we can shed a huge spotlight on the illusive subject.

And that’s not all. We will also feature a podcast on Dating this term. Big topic, if I must say so myself. Stay tuned for more on the new series and also announcements of our upcoming guests, all very special ladies who know more than a thing or two about the subjects they’ll be talking to with us about.

Meanwhile, don’t forget that there is still time for you to get your questions in about the new topics or any topics for that matter. Write to me from the UIO podcast page, Send Me Your Questions and get your concerns aired. To listen subscribe via our RSS feed and stay tuned to UIO as we cover topics about you inside out.