Category: On Life

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Reaping the Benefits of Waiting Awhile

One of the stories found in our Wait Awhile research confirms that teenage girls still feel a lot of pressure to explore sex, often before they are ready. Of the 16% of our respondents who said they had gone further in a sexual relationship than they were comfortable with, 77% of the girls said they regretted doing so.

And although our survey doesn’t ask girls to tell us the specific regrets, I know from talking with teenage girls through my work and personal life and having been a girl myself, though a long time ago, such regrets are deeply felt and can be long lasting, which is why our Wait Awhile initiative is about taking a deep breath and widening the gap between being a girl and a woman.

Having said that some high risk activities for teenagers, such as sharing sexually explicit material can lead to danger and harm and deep regret at any age. But becoming sexually active prematurely does carry enormous risks during the teen years.

There are plenty of reasons to wait awhile but too often the only reasons that are expounded on are the ones that focus more on the negatives consequences of premature sex instead of the positive benefits of waiting.

At UIO podcast, we believe there are enormous benefits in side-stepping undue pressures and expected behaviour that could result in deep regret. And we are not just talking about sex, though sex is a big deal. Sexuality, for example, is another topic that teenagers feel heated pressure to explore and know all the answers instantaneously.

In our On Dating Inside Out podcast with Cat Williams, the therapist points out that often when we are determined to do something no matter the cost, it might not hurt to step back and let the hormones settle, my words, not Cat’s.

Amongst the benefits of stepping back are living a life without the pressure of worrying about consequences, as well as the opportunity to align with your true values and live your best life in the here and now.  And as you grow-up that here and now changes, as it should, giving you the opportunity to make more informed decisions that serve you, rather than cause regret and grief.

In our On Sex and Sexuality podcast, which we have re-released this week, our guest Rachel Gardener talks about the importance of putting your relationship first, before diving into a steamy romance. The benefits of learning loads about yourself while learning to relate to another person far outweighs living under pressure that can and so often lead to physical and emotional scars.

Waiting awhile is about reclaiming your space as a teenage girl.  After all, you’re only a teenager for a few short years. Enjoy!

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The Joys Of Dating

As if there isn’t enough pressure on dating as it is and crops up Valentine’s Day.  Bear with, I’m not really a kill joy about this loveable day, and I do enjoy a good box of chocolates now and again and some lovely flowers, too.  But the thing is, with all the hype around love and romance, sometimes folks who are already dating or even married feel undue pressure and those who are single just might feel a bit left out.

Good thing we’ve released On Dating Inside Out, Episode 4 from Series 2. In it Cat Williams offers insight on what dating is really all about. It is not only an opportunity to get to know another person but you can learn a lot about yourself, too.

When I was a teenage girl, the last thing I thought dating would do was teach me about myself but in hindsight, I can see very well how it did and some of the growth opportunities that opened up through dating, though they didn’t feel like opportunities then, more like hindrances.

For example, dating helps with establishing boundaries.  These boundaries are important not only when it comes to putting the brakes on going further in a sexual relationship than one is comfortable with but also they can play a role in deciding on what type of people you want to hang out with, even at school.

In hindsight, had I understood this last point, I would have found it much easier to stay in a spacious place as a teenager and not feel the pressure of hanging out without someone just because they were popular and so on.

This type of dating doesn’t show the concept at its best at all.  In fact, it can taint the experience and cause confusion about dating.  But lots of good advice out there to clear up confusion.  One tip is to speak to someone you can trust when presented with dating challenges.  This could be a parent, an older sibling or an auntie.  You might be thinking—fat chance that I will be talking to a parent. She won’t understand.

Try her. She has likely been there and done that, though in a different generation with some different challenges. I know, I know talk about dating can be quite awkward. I remember avoiding the topic like the plaque but upon reflection, a conversation about dating opens the door to self-discovery and could bridge communications gaps.

Likely my idea of dating was a totally different idea than either of my parents had.  It wasn’t until I turned about sixteen, the dating age they set, that they laid down the rules, curfews and all.  But still no specific talk about etiquette, if you know what I mean.

I think, however, had we chatted about what I thought dating meant, they would have found themselves far more at ease than they could have ever imagined.  No grand ideas at all, certainly when it came to romance.  Just thought it was cool to have a boyfriend to walk me from one class to another, to carry my books, to chat to on the phone sometimes.

That was my level of maturity at the time and according Cat Williams, we all differ in this area.  Key, I think, is to get to know yourself, enjoy the teenage years, sharing activities and interests with friends, whether you are dating or not. The same goes for Valentines’ Day—enjoy it in any case.

For more tips on dating, check out Series 2: Episode 4 – On Dating Inside Out.  Watch this space for more hot tips on enjoying your teen years.

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Pressures More Penalising For Today’s Teens

There are some things that are better left in childhood—the way that we mismanage anger, our sole dependence on others to care for us and causing or being subjected to peer pressure just to name a few.

Unfortunately, there is not always a clean break from our growing pains. Peer pressure, in particular, follows us around like a shadow well into old age. I suppose the older we get, the less peers we have. Still there are days, even in my middle age, when peer pressure stares me in the face like the bully it can often be. Nowadays, I have a better handle on saying no and declining experiences that make me uncomfortable but admittedly when I was a teenager, it wasn’t as easy.

And way back when I was a teenager, the pressures, though intense, seemed less punishing. There was pressure to smoke, to cut school, to have sex, just some of the pressures that are handed down through the ages. But nowadays there are loads of new pressures, owing to our modern technology and perhaps shift in mores in society. Let’s face it, our obsessions with our mobile devices, for example, blindfolds us to some of the unnecessary pressures heaped upon children and teens, for example.

The idea of being on all the time is unrealistic to say the least from both a mental and physical health perspective and when we falter at something because we can’t get it right all the time, wouldn’t it be nice to falter in privacy. How refreshing!

Still the pressures of joining in high risk activities are on the rise. For example, I don’t remember ever hearing about sexting, the act of disrobing for the camera, when I was a teen. If it was around, it certainly was never referred to as the norm. People likely saw it for what it was and still is, an illegal activity that carries heavy penalties for both those pushing it and those succumbing to it.

Nowadays, however, the pressure on teens to participate in sexting has become an epidemic in some areas, according to a BBC report. But here is the thing, most teens, girls and boys, alike probably don’t know that this dangerous game is actually illegal. It is not just a moral choice that you make, and though you might regret it, you get on with life. It scars and penalises well into adulthood, not to mention the pain and upset that it causes when it actually happens. A teen girl in a recent BBC story makes it very clear that sexting can never amount to anything good. It made her feel like she was in a zoo.

Sexting destroys lives, full stop, as does other experiences that teen girls are often coerced into as a norm. Thankfully, people in positions to do something about sexting, for example, are waking up to this reality and trying to crack down on it.

The truth is, there are many good reasons to stop and think before engaging in anything uncomfortable, immoral and illegal that you might regret sooner and certainly later in life.

To this end, UIO has a special treat coming up for teen girls that supports putting the brakes on (out later this month), even if everyone else around you seems to be parachuting into adulthood. In the meantime, listen to Episode 10: Peer Pressure Inside Out with Natalie Savvides, for tips on saying no and declining things that you don’t want to do. And do keep an eye on this space for our exciting new initiative, which is all about you.

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All About Skin

It’s Elizabeth as guest blogger again, this time writing about skin.

Someone once said that youth was wasted on the young. With each new wrinkle that forms, I am starting to see the truth in that saying and often imagine how great it would be if I knew then what I know now.

As a teen girl, I often neglected to pay my skin any attention and, while there is no magic fountain of youth or a fool proof solution for perfect skin (what a shame!), I have learned along the way that there are certain things that can help to put your best face forward.

Firstly, let’s talk about skin care. Since our skin is unique to us and our life-styles, I like to think of caring for my skin in terms of feeding it with both inner and outer nutrition.

Inner nutrition is having a healthy diet with plenty of water and consuming less of the things that are bad for my skin, such as sugar and alcohol (okay, I’m not a saint and do indulge every now and then!) As a girl, however, I didn’t really understand the connection between sugar and break-outs, for example. You live and learn, a good segue to outer nutrition.

This is why I nourish my face with a good moisturiser and full body with body cream to hydrate from the outside. Long gone are the days when I use just a face-wipe before bed, but that’s something I’ve only realised in my 40s! Experts say that a good skin care routine should start in your teens, ideally from the age of 14 years. However, as Jenny Hawkins points out in Episode 3: Your Skin Inside Out, it is important to use age appropriate products. The products in your mother’s cupboard, for example, are likely to be too mature for your skin.

Next, let’s talk about skin and the sun. In my late teens and early 20s, it used to be a case of applying sun cream and then forgetting about it for the rest of the day, the lower the SPF the better. Now, and with the benefit of hindsight, a tonne of research and hot tips from our podcast, it is clear that the reverse is true. That is, the higher the SPF the better and it is important to re-apply regularly. My kids, however, don’t agree and you might not either. But take it from someone who has been there and done that, protecting your skin from the sun is non-negotiable.

And finally about the topic of make-up, less is most definitely more. When I was a teen, I wasn’t allowed to wear heavy make-up and no doubt protested at the time. In hindsight, I’m thankful for my parents’ guidance as I only ever got the occasional spot.  Don’t get me wrong though, I love to wear make-up. It makes me feel more confident and ready to face (sometimes literally!) the day. The key is age-appropriate make-up and products that are right for our individual skin type. A heavily made up face all the time, particularly for young skin, could cause blemishes and other damage, too.

No wonder I love the clean feeling of taking off make-up at night and lately I find myself trying to have days where I take a break from wearing it altogether. In my 20s and 30s, I wouldn’t have dreamed of venturing outside without a full face of make-up on, but ironically as I’m getting older and probably need it more with bags, dark circles and wrinkles, I find it strangely empowering to go without.

I love this quote from actress Drew Barrymore, ‘I like to take a break from vanity…when a woman is laughing, fresh from a workout or just enjoying her life…that is when she at her most beautiful.”  Personally, I couldn’t agree with her more and feel the key to a happy life is ultimately to be happy in your own…you guessed it…skin.

For more tips on skin and how to care for it, tune into our podcast with skin expert Jenny Hawkins – Episode 3: Your Skin Inside Out. Jenny offers some amazing tips and inspirational advice, too.

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A Bit Of Inspiration

Body image is a heavy topic, especially when it’s personal. And though I am in a good space now I haven’t always been, particularly during the last and first months of the year. The time of feasting can so often lead up to the time of questioning, scrutinising and trying to shed weight, one of the issues that can lead to poor body image.

Thankfully, I am in good stead for now. Still I am thrilled that we have chosen this week to re-release our fourth podcast ever, Your Body Image Inside Out, with personal trainer Laura Miles, released in May 2017. In the podcast, Laura who was an obese teenager, not only tells her personal story but also shares tips about how to keep fit without obsessing and comparing.

The bottom line is you are the only you in the world, so while you might not be exactly like some of the other girls, never mind. That was a hard lesson for me as a teen girl, believe it or not. I do remember feeling if only I had a body like her or even her I would be better at sports or more attractive and so on.

But over the years I have come across some tips that have helped me to embrace me, genes and all. Many of our UIO podcast guests, including Laura, either directly or indirectly have given some top tips on how to find happiness in the space you are in, starting now.

As published in my blog in May 2018, here they are, as apropos as ever.

Banish self-deprecating talk!
Focus on health!
Embrace genes, fanny and all!
Focus on likes and not on dislikes!
Make the most of the haves (that is what you have); ignore the have nots!

These tips can help with all poor body image problems, not just weight issues. And to add to the list: get active. Research shows that girls don’t always enjoy getting into sports, for example, owing to body image problems. Recently, our guest Laura wrote in a social media post that because she was no good at sports, likely to do with being obese, she refused to engage for fear of letting the team down. It was only when she found spinning, something that wasn’t a team sport or activity of sorts that she got active and begin to stop obsessing over poor body image and started getting healthy.

I can relate to Laura’s fears about letting the team down. Admittedly, I dreaded P.E. and sports days, but now I am one of the first to the gym, at least on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, because I understand the importance of exercise in the big scheme of things. And I get the bit about eating healthily, too, so important to developing a good body image.

When you feel better, you are better all around. Check out Episode 4: Your Body Image Inside Out for more tips and inspirational quotes on body image. During this first month of the year we could all do with a bit of inspiration. I know I can. Enjoy!

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What do you want for your life?

There’s something exciting about a new beginning, something which encapsulates the tenderness of youth, something which holds promise and therefore, refreshes and invigorates the spirit.

No wonder the New Year marks a time when so many of us make resolutions, particularly ones around weight loss and wealth acquisition and so on. The trouble with this, however, is that as the year matures, the resolutions mature as well, feel a bit yesterday, if you will. In short, they don’t materialise.

Admittedly, I have never been big on the hype and pressure around making New Year’s resolutions, not because I am a kill joy contrary to some belief, but because I tend to be more of a realist than an idealist.

Ideally it sounds great to kick all the bad habits I have acquired throughout the year in January, but can I really do it? Unlikely! Over the years, I have taken a tip from the story of creation. For nearly five years now, I have enjoyed a daily reading called the Bible In One Year (BIOY) with commentary by Nicky Gumbel, vicar of Holy Trinity Brompton where I happen to belong as member, and though I love reading most Bible stories, the first ones are amazingly uplifting and refreshing.

I say that because when God created humankind in particular, He was clear about what He wanted for us and when it didn’t quite go to plan, He had a strategy to get things back on track—my take on the things, not Nicky’s or sound theology, so do bear with.

It is sort of like new parents deciding what they want for their baby’s life, not only from day to day, but from month to month and from year to year and setting goals to achieve their dreams and desires, not waiting for the last hour to decide. Certainly, along the way, things fall to the wayside and sometimes don’t go as planned but they don’t leave it to the pulse of the moment, New Year’s Eve or Day, to resolve, to make adjustments, to get back on track.

They think about health and wealth, hopefully not obsessively, throughout the year and often use a new beginning such as the New Year or a birthday to reflect, to assess, to celebrate, to launch the next phase in life.

I have found this approach hugely gratifying in both my personal and professional life. From a personal standpoint, it’s all about well-being with the underlying question to do with what do I want for myself? And that which I can control, I stay in the driver’s seat as much as possible. I run, I train, I keep good company and eat well most of the time and when I don’t, well, I reflect, assess and get on with the next phase. And that which I don’t control, I pray about it and try to give it the perspective that it deserves, which is a good segue to what’s on the agenda professionally.

Same underlying question—what do I want for UIO in 2019? Naturally, I would have pondered this question long before these fresh few days in January and am delighted to say that there is so much brewing for UIO in 2019, all to do with the well-being of teen girls throughout the world.

Later this year, we launch a new campaign to do with reclaiming the teen girl space.  Exciting, yeah! And lots of other good things on the horizon with a view to help carve a better quality of life for our girls. So watch this space and keep listening to our podcasts, which all offer opportunities to reflect, to assess, to celebrate, to launch the next phase in your life. Meanwhile, wishing you all that you want for your life in 2019. Happy New Year!

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What Is Personal Development Anyway?

It’s Elizabeth and I’m delighted to once again be invited to guest blog on the UIO podcast page.

This week I will be talking about personal development, a topic that will be covered also in our upcoming podcast in December.

Personal development is an often used but rarely explained term. For me, the term refers to investing in myself so that I can manage myself effectively regardless of what life might bring my way. Personal development has allowed me to be proactive and rather than wait for good things to happen, I try to get out there as much as possible and make them happen.

An example of this was the time I was made redundant from a high profile role in I.T. while on maternity leave with my first child. Initially, I was devastated and didn’t have a clue what to do. What would we do for money? How would we pay the bills? Would anyone else want to employ me? Would I have to cut my precious maternity leave short? The worries seemed endless.

Fortunately, I had just read an article on personal development and as an already optimistic person whose ‘glass is always half full,’ I decided to take this situation as a positive, rather than a negative, opportunity and used the time to reflect personally about what it was I actually wanted to do with my life – possibly for the first time ever.

I decided I wanted to become self employed and do a role whereby I could not only earn enough financially, but also work around my baby and enjoy spending the cherished early years together. I then retrained to do exactly that. It hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had my fair share of struggles, but I haven’t looked back since. I now work around both my beloved children and I’m doing something I actually really enjoy.

Personal development therefore begins with self awareness– know who you are and be it!

As we approach the New Year, like most people, I use it as an opportunity to set my ‘New Year resolutions.’ In so doing, I feel it is just as important to have a plan to realise my goal, as it is to know what it is I actually want to achieve.

An example of this is my yearly quest to set about losing weight! More often than not, my good intentions only lasted until the end of January (if that sometimes!), as I never had a plan to help me achieve it. Simply stating “I will lose weight” isn’t going to get the job done! With this in mind, last year I devised a course of action and by mapping out details specifically, I actually achieved my goal.

Personal development therefore continues with having a plan – know what you want and go out and get it!

To conclude therefore, my journey to self awareness has led me to understand that personal development is about taking the time and, making the commitment, to invest in my greatest resource–me. I think that when I put effort into developing myself on a personal level, the rewards can be amazing. I may not always achieve my goal, but I genuinely feel that I am experiencing a richer and more rewarding life by committing to pursuing my own objectives.

So, don’t be put off because the results are not always the desired outcome but do remember that to achieve what you want in life is to know that the key to success lies in the ability to manage yourself in a variety of situations. That ability comes through making a commitment to personal development and I firmly believe that this is the first step on the path to personal fulfilment.

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Can We Be True To Our Own Identity, On And Offline?

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth and I am both thrilled and somewhat nervous to have been invited to write a guest blog on the UIO podcast page. Writing a blog is a first for me so here goes….!

This week we are focusing on both identity and online wellbeing, topics that we’ve covered in our latest podcast. Though a person’s identity is shaped by many different aspects – family, culture, friends, personal interests, education, gender, religion, sexuality, socio-economic groups and so on, some factors may have more of an influence than others and as a person grows up, they are influenced by many aspects of their life. For example, family and culture may influence a person’s sense of responsibilities, ethics, morals, and humour, whereas friends may influence a person’s taste in clothing, music, speech, and social activities.

I believe however, that personal interests are what truly set individuals apart and shape identity. An individual is not a puppet and should be encouraged to explore what they like and don’t like, rather than following the crowd. To this end, society has had limited impact on my lifestyle, mostly because I tend not to follow trends. For example, throughout my teens I listened to Rock music while my friends followed the music trends at that time, such as Bros–even putting the bottle tops on their shoes! (Showing my age here!!!)

This tendency of mine to not follow my friends followed me into adulthood. I had several amazing jobs in the corporate world working in a 9 to 5 role, but always felt that working in this way wasn’t for me. So, partly due to circumstance and partly because I felt trapped, I re-trained as a personal trainer and sports coach, and then later as a digital marketer and VA.

Admittedly, having a career doing a role I actually like helps me to keep my identity as ‘Elizabeth,’ while also enjoying being a busy mum of two. Moreover, I love being in a position to be able to be a positive role model, giving everyone the same opportunities in sport, even if it means breaking down gender stereo-types. Girls bring their emotional selves to football for example, and I teach them to embrace that–that is their true self so why hide it?

I have a strong set of morals and ethics that I have partly adopted from my parents, but some are also my own. My bootcamps teach girls to look beyond the filters, feel happy in their environment, be comfortable in their bodies and ultimately, make the most of being YOU.

I was extremely privileged to go to university and get a first class honours degree in International Business, but appreciate not everyone is. I, therefore, teach young individuals not to be limited by their environment etc, but to be who they want to be.

In today’s world, identity is also important in the online space. Social media can be a positive tool to help children develop and grow but it can also affect young peoples’ emotional and mental health.

Being too active on Social media and worrying about regularly posting pictures and status updates has been linked to anxiety, poor body image and diminished mental health. The constant seeking of approval from others and searching for external validation means that young people don’t develop a secure sense of self that isn’t dependant on arbitrary conditions of worth. This preoccupation with how other people react to what we post on social media can lead us all, particularly young people to feel unsure about their value. Constant posting may also open them up to receiving more negative or mean comments on line, rather than compliments or praise.

Social media is here to stay though, and while there are, of course, many benefits, it is important that we as parents, guardians, teachers, influencers, people in positions of responsibility etc, discuss with our kids the importance of using it in a healthier way. To this end, we need to equip them with tools to create a safe space within social media by talking about the impact of seeking approval from an online world that doesn’t really know them or comparing their lives to the edited versions of the lives they see online. This way they can be true to their own identity, on and offline.

For more hot tips, check out Your Identity Inside Out and Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out

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Teens and Parents Communicating For Better Relations

Our latest podcast, On Being A Teen Girl Now, is full of gems about life as a teen today. One particular topic that runs throughout the podcast is the importance of effective communications whether used to resolve conflict or to have a meaningful conversation.

Certainly, in my life, I try to rely on good communications. But let’s face it, even those of us who read the books (professional communicators) fall short during crunch time now and again.

Great advice from our guests, 16-year-old Leah and 15-year-old Divaina, to remember that communications is critical between parents and teens. Leah reminds that a conversation works two ways and Divaina suggests support and encouragement when a child has opened up instead of chastising them for perhaps a choice that might carry negative consequences.

This got me thinking back to last year when my teen niece visited London. I found myself in the parental position, doing all I could to protect her and keep her safe, yet admittedly, I found striking the balance between listening and advising a bit like tight rope walking sometimes. I suspect she did, too.

Upon reflection, however, some of the best moment we had were around me listening to her voice, her opinion on contemporary issues, and then having an open dialogue about seeking resolutions.

As both UIO guests touched upon, the relationships between teens and the adults in their lives are pivotal. The key is practicing effective communications and listening to each other is a good place to start. For more insight on how to communicate with your teens or your parents for that matter, listen to On Being A Teen Girl Now on iTunes and Soundcloud.

Stay tuned for our last podcast, On Personal Development, out in early December. In the meantime, check out this week’s blog with guest blogger, Elizabeth Ions, UIO’s new virtual assistant, as we reflect upon Rising Above Odds through sports and educational opportunities.

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Get The Inside Scoop

Nothing like getting inside information. And that is just what I did to produce UIO’s fifth podcast in this second series, which will be released next week. On Being A Teen Girl Now features 16-year-old Leah from Hertfordshire and 15-year-old Divaina from Kent.

Not only do we have a timely conversation about their greatest challenges and opportunities, it got me thinking about my teen years a bit more specifically. But before reminiscing, I can’t say enough about the potential of both Divaina and Leah, not only in the space they are each in but also looking to the future.

What I remember most about our interview together is their individual and collective fresh approach to life, their willingness to speak out, to correct something if it was wrong, such as the pronunciation of their names. Yep, I got both names wrong. Not to mention their consideration, concern and respect for each other and their peers, and the awareness and interest they both showed in the world around them.

Gosh, I thought, as my mind travelled back into time, was I that tuned in? What was happening in the world when I was a teenager? Have teen girls always faced as many pressures and have they always been expected, willing and able to express their trials and tribulations as I asked both girls to do. Could I have articulated my concerns so eloquently at such a young age?

While no clear-cut answers spring to mind on any of the questions, I have a good memory of the American Bicentennial Celebration in 1976. I was the ripe old age of fourteen. Two hundred years ago today was a theme that still lives in my head. Beyond that and who was President, I had to take a quick refresher to see what was happening on the world stage.

Closer to home, however, I do recall who my closest friends were, the importance I placed on friendships, as if the air I breathed depending on them, as well as the need to be perfect. Of course, the times are different and social media, for example, turns the heat right up on the importance of self-image, being a success and so on, but the concept of being on trend, being popular, and being smart seeped into my teenage brain all the same.

Also, there was the pink elephant in the room—racism. Though there was a collegial relationship between the races, we were certainly not a close-knit group or a group with desires to diversify. The first three years of our school life had been spent in desegregation, so here we were as teenagers, trying to make sense of the world together but on different sides of the aisle. One example of this is the fact that we had separate proms.

It was with this weight that I journeyed through my teen years, often times reasoning that the teen years didn’t matter, that they were more or less a dress rehearsal for the rest of life. Over my should now, I see how wrong I was. Hence my desire to support teen girls right where they are. Life is now. And the good news about today’s teen girls is their willingness to start where they are tackling issues like sexualisation, sexism, colourism and so on. And though it is a heavy load, it’s lightened in the power of togetherness.

Onwards and upwards for both our guests and all teen girls. Get the inside scoop on UIO: On Being A Teen Girl Now, out Wednesday, November 7th. Listen on iTunes, Soundcloud, TuneIn, Stitcher or subscribe to our RSS feed to have the podcast delivered to your device.