Month: September 2019

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One Thing You Can Count on Facing in Life

With autumn in full force, we continue to highlight issues that play an important and sometimes forceful role in the lives of teen girls. Peer Pressure is our pick this week. Though a topic that lends itself to fresh content, it’s also one that has been unchangeable over the years.  To this end, I am republishing Six Ways to Handle Peer Pressure, all tips taken from UIO podcast.  So if you missed the blog last year, check it out now and for further tips, listen to UIO: Peer Pressure Inside Out where ever you listen to podcasts.  Happy listening and happy reading. 

The saying goes that only two things in life are certain—death and taxes. And the latter has become a rather grey area for some. Never mind. But here is the thing: the older I get the more I wonder if there is a third certainty that we all have to reckon with. Yep, you guessed it: peer pressure.

We all experience it throughout life. Ever since I can remember, I’ve known about it. Of course, as a child I might not have known its name or fully understood it, but when one of the kids of my youth encouraged me to hide underneath my great grandparents’ old house, though we had been warned of snakes and other dangers, I couldn’t resist the possibility of an adventure. Others had done it and lived to tell the tale. So did I but not without causing a lot of upset to a whole lot of people.

Fast forward, as a middle-aged woman (gulp) the pressure is still on daily, also known as keeping up with the Joneses, not something that I consciously engage in. While peer pressure can be far more elusive at this age, it’s there. For example, when considering strong encouragement from a peer on what outfit to wear for a celebrated occasion, for example, I find myself tempted to give in to what others are doing or to make comparisons that leave me feeling glum.

Make no mistake about it, I know all talk about grooming isn’t about peer pressure. I receive lots of handy advice with no pressure at all and have been known to give out some too, but when peers, people around us, pressure us to do things that make us uncomfortable that might have negative consequences mentally or physically, it is important to see it for what it is—peer pressure.

My examples are small things, don’t sweat them, but there are bigger ones that can be quite intense during the teen years such as pressure to stay out beyond a curfew, drink, smoke, cheat on an exam, get up to shenanigans online, engage in violence, have sex and so on.

Many of these big topics gain momentum in the name of youth or because they are billed as a rite of passage and/or because everybody else is doing it. And if given in to, the consequences can be life altering.

Thankfully, there’s plenty of wonderful advice out there to manage peer pressure. Hence, I have taken six top tips from UIO’s podcast series:

  • Keep self-confidence in tow – ‘Just like we put on coats and gloves when we go out into inclement weather, we need to put on self-confidence when we step out into the world.’

  • Show yourself some love and take care of yourself – ‘Your body serves you now. It really is your temple. Look after it.’

  • Don’t worry what everybody else is doing – ‘Try to avoid making comparisons, you are unique.’

  • Know yourself, what you really value and hang onto it – ‘The thing that you want to dull because you are not fitting in. That is your bit of uniqueness. Own it. It is your superpower.’

  • Dare to be different – ‘It takes a brave girl or woman to say wait a minute, I think I am worth more. I have infinite worth and value.’

  • Think about who you hang out with; who you choose to trust – ‘Those that matter won’t mind; those that mind won’t matter.’

All good stuff from the ladies of UIO. Now about that adventure; it was a hiding to nothing and hardly worth the admonishment I received from my father. As for bagging the right outfit for a special occasion, now is the time to dare to be different. Feeling less stressed already.

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Bucking The Comparison Factor

There are a number of factors that go into having a positive body image, running the gamut from being satisfied with how you look, being happy with who you are, feeling good about yourself and not comparing yourself to others.

It is the latter, the comparison factor, that causes plenty of trouble for a lot of folks. Take me, for example,  I all too often, albeit subconsciously, compare myself to another and find myself deflated rather quickly.  And I am not talking about making blatant physical comparisons; those are easy to stamp out.  Each of us is unique, I get that.

Still, elusive comparisons have a way of creeping in and often when you are feeling most confident.  This morning, I was quite comfy in my own space in my Yoga class with my ungraceful Malasana pose (a squat of sorts)– forgive me if I’ve got the pose wrong; I am new to this–until I say the woman in front of me and the one beside me, etc.  You get my drift.

And that is what happened, I drifted from a relatively body positive person, brimming with confidence to an unstable flat footed girlie of sorts.  And as the instructor had said it was okay to go into child’s pose at any time, I took the opportunity to do so, shying away from Malasana.

It was in these few seconds in child’s pose that I remembered that such comparisons fall well below the conscious and are almost undeniable until they back you against a wall. Though I recovered rather quickly this morning, there have been other times that the feeling of deflation has dominated my person indefinitely, like when I was younger and felt that I didn’t fit in at a social event because my hair, my nose, etc… was different from everyone else’s.

I had a scar for the longest time about athletics because I was not as good as the other girls in my class. Instead of accepting that it just wasn’t my thing, I blamed it all on my body’s lack of ability and anytime athletics came up, well my body slumped, all of me did. Admittedly, it all sounds a bit ridiculous but in the heat of the moment, comparison can shake the most confident person’s body confidence.

Going back nearly seven years, I remember the comparison factor furtively stalking my 50th birthday party, forcing conversations about how one world was more enhanced than another’s either due to children, high powered jobs, husbands, properties, size and shape and so on.  Make no mistake about it, we are not necessarily fickle people and didn’t spend our entire time talking consciously about such things, but caught off guard, the comparison factor had a way of sneaking in and forcing our backs against a wall.

Fortunately, we caught on and looked at the flip side, which is about admiration rather than comparison. Big difference. The minute we talked openly about admiring one another for our achievements, whether deep or peripheral, we returned to a spacious place. What a wonderful celebration!

Now back to my yoga class this morning. Did I ever do the Malasana pose as gracefully as the next person? Not a chance but I did the pose in the best taste that I could master and felt quite satisfied with my feet for it. I thanked them profusely. Gratitude is another key to trouncing the comparison factor.

So the next time, you begin to compare yourself to another and feel deflated physically and mentally, buck up with admiration and a dose of gratitude and embrace the space that you are in. It’s all about celebrating you—body and all. For more tips on maintaining a positive body image, check out Episode 4: Your Body Image Inside Out.

 

 

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Never Give Up: Rise Above The Odds

Rising above odds - Sonja Lewis podcast for teenage girls

Rising above odds is a varied subject. Odds, in some way, can be like challenges stacked against us in any given situation. In UIO’s upcoming podcast with barrister and entrepreneur Hannilee Fish, we talk about dealing with sexism, peer pressure and mental illness as well as overcoming her own dyslexia and finding opportunities in poverty. 

Seeing an opportunity in a difficult situation can often be the difference in feeling stuck or coming out on the other side. This year, I celebrate 21 years of living in the UK and while I can’t say that I have ever found myself in a seriously difficult situation, barring the odd exception at the border when I truly thought I might be sent back to France, to be deported to the US, I have had to learn the ropes in a situation where the odds were stacked against me, if only marginally. 

Early on as a writer and a student, I learned some of the embarrassing differences between American English and British English. One that sticks out is referring to trousers as pants in a room full of men. Sounds minor, right. Most times it was but the lesson is that the two languages are not one in the same and the opportunity for me was that I inherited a very British family. I rose quickly. 

On a similar note, I had to relearn the metric system. How many grams would you like Madam? Gulp! I would graze around the shop and find a bag of coffee that had 200 grams and until this day, I still think in pounds weight wise but I do understand kilos and stones, believe it or not. 

Again the opportunity was living with someone who spoke the language, ate the food, lived the life and thus I approached life as a learning experience. 

So often I had been told you will not survive, you can’t. One acquaintance referred to my African American roots compared to my husband’s British roots as oil and water, fiery and well, passive. Still I rose, and when another said, you’ll be back, I seized the opportunity to prove her wrong. 

Of course there were far more serious challenges along the way–there were illusive racial issues, sexists ones, too but the toughest one was making new friends, establishing a firm foundation. So often when we move from one country to another, or one city to another, this is a major issue but it also happens when we change schools, go from one grade to the other. 

In the end, the key thing is to find the opportunity in the challenging space, stay grounded and never give up–all important to rising above whatever odds you might be facing. Take a listen to UIO: Rising Above the Odds with Hannilee Fish for more tips on finding opportunities in difficult and awkward spaces. Meantime, take care!

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Character Building Podcast: The One to Listen To

If you haven’t already read a life changing book, one that sticks with you forever and a day, you likely will as you age.  Nowadays, however, it doesn’t have to be a book, it can be a podcast! Recently, I was privileged to a conversation that asked after recommended books and podcasts.

Well, have I got news for you. Our recent podcast of UIO: On Character Building could be the one.

Though the podcast is profound, it is refreshing and packed with gems and inspiration that couldn’t have come at a better time than now as the world begins to look at the shift in norms that we’ve taken when it comes to shaping character, who we are, not only as individuals but also as a society.

Our guest for the episode, former Paralympic swimmer Elizabeth Wright, says: “Character is an integral part of life.  In a nutshell, character is who you are, it is those elements inside of you that are a part of you that develop and grow. They can be strengths for people. They can be parts of your personality, parts that you can pull on when times are tough.”

Most of us can relate to this and tend to think of character traits such as grit, determination, courage and so on to aid us in performing a task, be it to achieve or overcome a challenge.  And those performance character traits are important (I should know as I have had to call on them a time or two, especially while mourning the loss of my mother), but they are not the only ones of significance.

Elizabeth says there are four categories for building character if you will:  performance, moral, civic and intellectual.  And the key is striking a balance and knowing your strengths, particularly when facing some of the undue pressures.  

Our Wait Awhile research confirms unprecedented pressures for teenage girls in areas ranging from altering appearance permanently to going further in a sexual relationship than comfortable with, and while these pressures are unlikely to let up anytime soon, On Character Building provides original insight into to the debate and can serve as an invaluable resource to deal with them positively.

For example, if you are being asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable, learn to hone and call on those character strengths that are true to your values, focusing on the moral category. Or do something to change the world yourself if you are civic minded.

Enough said! Take a listen to On Character Building with Elizabeth Wright on iTunes, on our website, Soundcloud and on various other platforms. 

Here is a quick preview: