Tag: UIO: On Emotional Bullying

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Tuning Into Your Thoughts For A Good News Story

After more years than I care to admit to, I finally made the connection between food and physical health, though it took a few intolerances to convince me. Yet I still haven’t quite gotten my head around food for mental and emotional health, which has more to do with thinking than anything else. Of course, real food can muddle the mind, too.

But let’s face it, our thoughts do play a major role in our emotional and mental health. One article that I read years ago puts it like this: thoughts are stories that we tell ourselves or that someone else tells us about ourselves.

That’s all good as long as the stories are all good. But when it comes to emotional abuse, the stories can cause health hazards, even if they appear to be good stories. Radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, guest in our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, says that sometimes emotional abuse masquerades as love.  When her emotionally abusive boyfriend would often ask her to stay home, preventing her from going out and seeing friends and loved ones, she told herself his request had to do with love.  Although he wasn’t going to be at home with her, he would tell her that he wanted her to be the first person he saw when he returned.

In a healthy mind, this logic breaks down rather quickly but in a mind that is under the spell of emotional abuse, it makes perfect sense, even if it is telling a bad news story. I can relate. Though I can’t say I have had a similar experience, I have had tricky situations that have consistently caused me emotional unrest, leading to wear and tear on my self-esteem and keeping a negative story alive.  This stuff is not in your face but it is in your mind, even if you can’t see it.

JJ points out that you have to be on your guard and recognise emotional abuse for what it is. Name calling, taunting, controlling and so on all fit the bill. One of her hot tips for self-protection is to take care of yourself at the core. This means working on your self-esteem and ultimately knowing who are. In addition, she says it is important to watch what you feed your mind. Easier said than done, right.

Actually, it is as simple or as complex as watching what you feed your body.  As much as I love croissants and cinnamon rolls and the list keeps going with pastries, I have been gluten intolerant for years now.  Admittedly, the first year or so I would remove all gluten from my diet for about three months at a time, most of the time before a holiday, and then on holiday I would eat whatever I jolly well pleased and pay for it later. 

Though the physical discomfort would come, it was tolerable and then one day, it just wasn’t anymore.  So now I don’t focus on the foods that I used to love, regardless of consequences, I focus on the ones that love me sincerely. And you know what, I am healthier and happier for it.

As for my food for my thoughts, I’m getting there.  Key to my journey is tuning into the narrative that I am feeding my mind directly or indirectly and also recognising what really is emotional bullying and what is not.   Of course, there are healthy disagreements and different ways of life between friends, acquaintances and family members that call for healthy resolutions. That’s a fact of life.

For more hot tips and tools on how to protect yourself against emotional bullying, listen to On Emotional Bullying with JJ Simmons on our website, iTunes, Soundcloud or wherever you listen to podcasts. Meanwhile, tune into your thoughts to ensure your own good news story.

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Emotional Bullying Can Come From Afar, Too

Emotional abuse is a big topic. No wonder we keep returning to it—it can happen to anyone and at any time. More often than not, the abuser, if you will, is someone familiar, whether at school, home, work and so on, but there are instances when emotional bullying can come out of left field.

Someone who you hardly know hurls an insult your way or says something that makes you intensely uncomfortable.  And though the person speeds off in their car, disappears into the night, leaves the room, their words stick with you far longer than their presence did. They hang over you like a dark cloud.

So much for sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never bother me.

Recently, I drove up to my neighbourhood after a morning session with my personal trainer. Definitely on a natural high, I felt good as I reversed into the space on the opposite side of the road from my house. With a million things to do, I gave myself kudos for parallel parking in one go and jumped out and grabbed the shopping I had picked up along the way. As I crossed the road, my equilibrium was shattered by the honking of a horn and a voice yelling at me.

“Hey, move your car,” the woman said.  “You are parked in front of my house. Why can’t you park in front of your own house?”

I did a double take to recognise my neighbour’s irate face behind the wheel of a small red car. Quickly I got out of the road and then turned to try to reason with her, though she continued to raise her voice and sound her horn.

Still I tried to remind her that with my parking permit and hers, we could park anywhere we wanted to in the given area, yet she wasn’t having any of it, though she admitted that she didn’t own the road.

She spouted off something about being inconvenienced. “Why can’t people just park in front of their own house,” she said loud enough for the whole street to hear.

“There is a space right in front of my car,” I said rather quietly. “You can park there.” This space was one door down from hers.

Now her voice an even higher pitch, she said a thing or two that I didn’t understand but I did make out “why don’t you park in front of your own house?”

Clearly, she was distressed, so I thought maybe I should move the car. I didn’t want to suffer a penalty for parking in a space that I had a right to park in.  So, I said, “if it means that much to you, I will move my car. Honestly!”

My gesture enraged her, caused her to shout at the top of her voice. “Why can’t you park in front of your own house,” she demanded repeatedly until I answered.

“Look you have to get a special permit if you want to park in front of your house all the time,” I said. “Anyhow, to answer your question: I don’t want the sap from the trees on my car.” This I thought she would understand.  I mean, who would want sap on their car, whether new and amazing or old and dilapidated, right.

By now, she was in hysterics. She told me to F-off and dare I mention the other expletives. On that note, I unlocked my door and went into my home but even behind the safety of my own door, her words had seeped into my pores.  Exasperated, I told Paul what had happened and for days to come I told everyone I came in contact with. Later that day I had to move the car and when I came back she was in the space, thus I parked in the one in front of her.  But the next morning, I moved the car as far away from hers as I could and tried my best to avoid her.

Still, weeks later her words are in my head but not as boldly as they were and not because time has waned them but because I have had to first of all, recognise that I was emotionally bullied, even if it did come from a stranger. No ifs, ands and buts about it. Next, I had to fully accept that as personal as it felt that it wasn’t. Though, I don’t believe that she would have behaved so appallingly with Paul or any man, the abuse was about her and not me. Clearly, she was very distressed and projected her anger on me. So I have long stopped trying to name it!

Finally, I’ve had to constantly remind myself that I have a right to park anywhere I want to in the area of my permit, without being yelled out. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was my neighbour who was clearly wrong but pointing fingers and casting blame keeps me in a space that doesn’t serve me.

What serves me is to think my way positively out of the corner, she backed me in.  A great segue to two bits of good news. First, she’s gone–the relevant neighbour moved a week or so later, which might explain why she was so cavalier but even before she left, I kept my distance. Next, we’ve re-released our podcast, On Emotional Bullying with Jillian ‘JJ” Simmons.  Check it out, not only for tips on how to manage emotional bullying with those up close and personal but also with this who are distant strangers, too.

It could be what you need to put the distance between you and an emotional bully. It worked a jewel for me.

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Keeping Cool With UIO’s Hot Tips

I am in the heat of the moment, literally as I am in Cannes, France, in the midst of the country’s worst heat wave since 2003. Albeit Cannes is hot (il fait tres chaud and if you ask me, trop chaud) at 31 to 33 Celsius, which is 87 to 91 Fahrenheit, it is nowhere near the record temperatures of 45 C (113 F) in one small French Village. I can’t imagine and am prayerful that everyone is able to take cool cover.

Literally, when it is hot, we look for ways to cool down. Thankfully, we have an apartment with an air conditioner, and we are drinking plenty of water, etc… But what do we do when it gets a bit hot figuratively? Ditto! We look for ways to cool down.

Thus, I thought I’d take the opportunity to look to our most recent podcast series, featuring character building, emotional bullying and girls’ rights, for cool tips, though we normally refer to them as hot, sizzling hot, on how to navigate a heated situation.

Here we go:

Our guest for On Character Building, former Paralympic swimmer Elizabeth Wright, says: “Character is an integral part of life. In a nutshell, character is who you are, it is those elements inside of you that are a part of you that develop and grow. They can be parts of your personality, parts that you can pull on when times are tough.”

Elizabeth says there are four categories for building character if you will:  performance, moral, civic and intellectual.  And the key is striking a balance and knowing your strengths, particularly when facing some of the undue pressures.  

In our podcast, On Emotional Bullying, radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons stresses the importance of seeing emotional abuse for what it is, recognising when someone is intentionally manipulating you to gain control.

It sometimes masquerades as love, JJ points out. One of her hot tips for self-protection is to take care of yourself at the core. This means working on your self-esteem and ultimately knowing who are. In addition, she says it is important to watch what you feed your mind.

Easier said than done, right but knowing that you do have rights to protect your mind can surely help.

Our On Girls’ Rights podcast guest, Lindsey Turnbull, founder of Miss Heard Media, points out that boundaries are very important, not only for protecting your own space but they’re about respecting other people’s space, too.

Sometimes the lack of boundaries puts people off.

The key, says Lindsey, is to really like yourself. The more you like yourself, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t serve you, whether it is a seemingly small thing like accepting a salacious comment or a big thing, like going further in a sexual relationship than comfortable with.

Great cool tips for getting out of a heated situation, yeah!

Now about this heat in Cannes. I’d love to take a plunge but as I don’t swim, that could heat up pretty quickly.  Thus, I’ll stay in the flat and keep cool. Stay tuned for more news from UIO, the podcast for teen girls and listen on our website, iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Nothing Trendy At All About Gaslighting

An age old communications technique is do what you say and say what you do.  Sometimes this is easier said than done, particularly in business, but when it comes to personal relationships, I haven’t really had any problems sticking by the mantra, except a time or two when I meant to return a call because I said I would and failed to do so because something else came up.

I am sure I’m not the only one but consistently saying one thing and doing another particularly when it causes mental and emotional upset to another might be considered a form of mental and emotional abuse, known as gaslighting.

If nothing else, it is bad character for sure.  Anyhow, one article I read on gaslighting referred to it as the latest dating trend. If that is true, then at the risk of being cynical, I am going to suggest that you watch out for the trend.  In no way, shape or form, should emotional abuse be trendy—quite the opposite.

Thinking back to my own teenage years, I do remember being promised a phone call or something or other more than a time or two that never materialised and the person picking up the next day or so, as if this was not a problem.  And interestingly enough, though hurt about it, I don’t remember breaking any deals over this type of consistent bad behaviour, not in high school anyhow. Other girls had the same problem and just seemed to accept it as a norm, too.

Surely later in life, my peers and I got the email, if you will. Call it gaslighting or not, it is not healthy to be caught up in a relationship that puts you down, whether it is a romantic relationship or a friendship. I can’t recall ever thinking the pattern was emotional abuse and the term gaslighting was unheard of, at least by me and my peers.

In our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons stresses the importance of seeing emotional abuse for what it is, recognising when someone is intentionally manipulating you to gain control.

In gaslighting, the abuser, if you will, consistently and intentionally causes confusion to the degree that you can begin to doubt yourself. Did he or she say this or did I imagine it? Did I make it up, etc…? Been there done that, I will confess, but certainly didn’t recognise it as gaslighting.

You made it up, the gaslighter will likely tell you and if you hadn’t made it up, you’d be able to prove that I said it. With no proof, you begin to feel a bit low. Confusing, hey. As with all emotional abuse, it’s best to recognise it for what it is, as JJ points out. And as soon as you can, get some help. But if help seems too far away, JJ reminds our listeners about the importance of journaling, writing it down, and staying in a safe place mentally and emotionally, out of the space of the abuser, if at all possible.

In our upcoming podcast, rounding off our short series, UIO guest Lindsey Turnbull talks about the importance of exercising freedoms and rights in youth and that means setting physical and emotional boundaries, even if they are online.  Her point is just as you wouldn’t allow an abuser into your bedroom, don’t allow them into your online space, giving them access to your mind. 

Food for thought as we look forward to On Girls’ Rights with Lindsey Turnbull, out June 12.  Stay tuned and in the meantime, do as you say and say as you do and ensure that those in your company do the same. And when they don’t, well remind them that there’s nothing trendy at all about bad behaviour. Quite the opposite.