Tag: emotional abuse

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Tuning Into Your Thoughts For A Good News Story

After more years than I care to admit to, I finally made the connection between food and physical health, though it took a few intolerances to convince me. Yet I still haven’t quite gotten my head around food for mental and emotional health, which has more to do with thinking than anything else. Of course, real food can muddle the mind, too.

But let’s face it, our thoughts do play a major role in our emotional and mental health. One article that I read years ago puts it like this: thoughts are stories that we tell ourselves or that someone else tells us about ourselves.

That’s all good as long as the stories are all good. But when it comes to emotional abuse, the stories can cause health hazards, even if they appear to be good stories. Radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, guest in our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, says that sometimes emotional abuse masquerades as love.  When her emotionally abusive boyfriend would often ask her to stay home, preventing her from going out and seeing friends and loved ones, she told herself his request had to do with love.  Although he wasn’t going to be at home with her, he would tell her that he wanted her to be the first person he saw when he returned.

In a healthy mind, this logic breaks down rather quickly but in a mind that is under the spell of emotional abuse, it makes perfect sense, even if it is telling a bad news story. I can relate. Though I can’t say I have had a similar experience, I have had tricky situations that have consistently caused me emotional unrest, leading to wear and tear on my self-esteem and keeping a negative story alive.  This stuff is not in your face but it is in your mind, even if you can’t see it.

JJ points out that you have to be on your guard and recognise emotional abuse for what it is. Name calling, taunting, controlling and so on all fit the bill. One of her hot tips for self-protection is to take care of yourself at the core. This means working on your self-esteem and ultimately knowing who are. In addition, she says it is important to watch what you feed your mind. Easier said than done, right.

Actually, it is as simple or as complex as watching what you feed your body.  As much as I love croissants and cinnamon rolls and the list keeps going with pastries, I have been gluten intolerant for years now.  Admittedly, the first year or so I would remove all gluten from my diet for about three months at a time, most of the time before a holiday, and then on holiday I would eat whatever I jolly well pleased and pay for it later. 

Though the physical discomfort would come, it was tolerable and then one day, it just wasn’t anymore.  So now I don’t focus on the foods that I used to love, regardless of consequences, I focus on the ones that love me sincerely. And you know what, I am healthier and happier for it.

As for my food for my thoughts, I’m getting there.  Key to my journey is tuning into the narrative that I am feeding my mind directly or indirectly and also recognising what really is emotional bullying and what is not.   Of course, there are healthy disagreements and different ways of life between friends, acquaintances and family members that call for healthy resolutions. That’s a fact of life.

For more hot tips and tools on how to protect yourself against emotional bullying, listen to On Emotional Bullying with JJ Simmons on our website, iTunes, Soundcloud or wherever you listen to podcasts. Meanwhile, tune into your thoughts to ensure your own good news story.

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Nothing Trendy At All About Gaslighting

An age old communications technique is do what you say and say what you do.  Sometimes this is easier said than done, particularly in business, but when it comes to personal relationships, I haven’t really had any problems sticking by the mantra, except a time or two when I meant to return a call because I said I would and failed to do so because something else came up.

I am sure I’m not the only one but consistently saying one thing and doing another particularly when it causes mental and emotional upset to another might be considered a form of mental and emotional abuse, known as gaslighting.

If nothing else, it is bad character for sure.  Anyhow, one article I read on gaslighting referred to it as the latest dating trend. If that is true, then at the risk of being cynical, I am going to suggest that you watch out for the trend.  In no way, shape or form, should emotional abuse be trendy—quite the opposite.

Thinking back to my own teenage years, I do remember being promised a phone call or something or other more than a time or two that never materialised and the person picking up the next day or so, as if this was not a problem.  And interestingly enough, though hurt about it, I don’t remember breaking any deals over this type of consistent bad behaviour, not in high school anyhow. Other girls had the same problem and just seemed to accept it as a norm, too.

Surely later in life, my peers and I got the email, if you will. Call it gaslighting or not, it is not healthy to be caught up in a relationship that puts you down, whether it is a romantic relationship or a friendship. I can’t recall ever thinking the pattern was emotional abuse and the term gaslighting was unheard of, at least by me and my peers.

In our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons stresses the importance of seeing emotional abuse for what it is, recognising when someone is intentionally manipulating you to gain control.

In gaslighting, the abuser, if you will, consistently and intentionally causes confusion to the degree that you can begin to doubt yourself. Did he or she say this or did I imagine it? Did I make it up, etc…? Been there done that, I will confess, but certainly didn’t recognise it as gaslighting.

You made it up, the gaslighter will likely tell you and if you hadn’t made it up, you’d be able to prove that I said it. With no proof, you begin to feel a bit low. Confusing, hey. As with all emotional abuse, it’s best to recognise it for what it is, as JJ points out. And as soon as you can, get some help. But if help seems too far away, JJ reminds our listeners about the importance of journaling, writing it down, and staying in a safe place mentally and emotionally, out of the space of the abuser, if at all possible.

In our upcoming podcast, rounding off our short series, UIO guest Lindsey Turnbull talks about the importance of exercising freedoms and rights in youth and that means setting physical and emotional boundaries, even if they are online.  Her point is just as you wouldn’t allow an abuser into your bedroom, don’t allow them into your online space, giving them access to your mind. 

Food for thought as we look forward to On Girls’ Rights with Lindsey Turnbull, out June 12.  Stay tuned and in the meantime, do as you say and say as you do and ensure that those in your company do the same. And when they don’t, well remind them that there’s nothing trendy at all about bad behaviour. Quite the opposite.

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New Podcast Series Coming In May

As we prepare for our third podcast series to launch in May, I find myself preparing show notes on some rather tough subjects, one of them emotional bullying, a topic that is as elusive as it is complex.

Unfortunately, emotional bullying is likely the most common form of bullying because it wears so many different hats. Think of verbal abuse, social exclusion, spreading gossip and rumours, telling lies, name calling, backstabbing, betrayal, etc.

Health Direct, a website of the Australian Government sums it up as one person maintaining power or control over another person. And though there are varying definitions that link bullying and abuse to relationships, the point is: bullying is destructive and damaging whether in an intimate close up relationship or a distant one.

A key theme about emotional bullying is that it is repetitive. And according to the Positive Parenting Center’s website, the older girls get the more prevalent it becomes in their lives.

Make no mistake about it, however, emotional bullying is not just a girl thing.  It is something that can and does happen to any and everyone, regardless of background or age.  It just so happens that some statistics in the US show that physical bullying drops off somewhat for girls as they get older and emotional bullying increases.

Sadly, bullying makes its way into adulthood all too often.  I have far more memories of possibly being bullied in the workplace than I do at school. One of my first bosses was definitely an emotional bully, who attacked my work repeatedly and threatened to fire me, after I pointed out a clear matter of discrimination.  A close friend had a similar experience, though the attack on her came out of nowhere, causing her to change the course of her career.

Both experiences had mental and emotional consequences but thankfully we both saw the problem for what it was and managed to put a stop to it, which isn’t always the case.

Thinking back to my school days, however, unless bullying got physical, it wasn’t always called what it was.  That is the thing about emotional bullying; it is ambiguous and hard to stamp out for that very reason.  It is without the physical bruises, but the scars are there, if only the target feels them.

I have hazy memories of a particular student emotionally bullying certain kids on the school bus. I did my best to avoid the person but because this person didn’t have the mythical hallmarks of a bully, there was no proof in the pudding that the taunting was taking place, even if the person only poked and prodded with words– threats and lies.  And when all else failed, it was easy to spread rumours and gossip and forbid followers to hang out with the target.

In those days, help didn’t seem to be a stone’s throw away, though it likely was. Bullying wore a mask and in some ways still does. However, nowadays, the mask is being ripped away. The key is to recognise bullying for what it is and get help as soon as possible whether that means talking to a family member, close friend, teacher, someone you can trust.

And do check out past podcasts, all on our website, particularly On Dating Inside Out.  Again, watch this space:  our new series of UIO, the podcast for teen girls,  is coming in May with a great line up of guests, including a Paralympic three-time medallist, a popular radio personality, and a media entrepreneur creating opportunities for teen girls.