Category: On Life

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Reframing Friendships for Growth

Friends have played an integral part in my life ever since I can remember and still do. Though I have lost touch with many friends over the years, and gained many more, I do remember who I called a friend during each period of my life and what this meant to me. As life changes, so does our centre of gravity, and what a friendship means.

But one thing tends to remain the same about friendships, regardless of the time in life—they are a crucial part of social development.

From a childhood friend, who happened to be a cousin, who lived nearby, to my closest friends as a teenager, to my bestie in university and my BFF today, we showed up for each other, during good and not so good times. And we grew together in most instances. Over the years, I’ve had several other friends who fit that category too. More about this later.

In the meantime, I remember the teenage years being most pivotal to social growth and development. Like most, I hung out with people who had similar interests, values, etc… and I learned a lot about valuing differences, too.  According to experts, this comes as no surprise because as a teen we spend more time interacting with others outside of the family, discovering more about ourselves, establishing values and boundaries, and even learning how to face adversity and conflict. Friends, they say, are crucial to feeling a sense of belonging and familiarity.

This makes sense because our friends are roughly our age during this time and know more about what is going on in our world than those outside of our generation. Granted that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from our family and other generations; it just means that during adolescence friends tend to have more influence than others.

No wonder it is crucial to understand what a healthy friendship looks and feels like. Like other relationships, friendships twist and turn and can often provide the glue that we need to stay cohesive when life seems to come unstuck. Our podcast, How to Nurture Friendship During a Crisis with parenting coach Sue Atkins, offers great advice on how to keep a friendship healthy, particularly during a difficult time such as the lockdown era of the global pandemic.

Sue points out the importance of reframing situations when necessary to keep the friendships alive. For example, as people were no longer able to meet up in person, Sue suggested having planned and regular times online, enjoying activities together as you would have in person such as breaking out of an escape room.

Reframing works equally as well outside of a physical crisis. Though the pandemic has taken a different shape, it is still lurking around, as well as many other atrocities. So, if a friend is grieving, for instance, or having difficult times due to personal hardships, it is key to empathise and offer support. This could be as little as texting an emoji that represents your support or as much as sitting in a quiet space with the person. The key is to remember that your friends’ centre of gravity has changed, even if only for a while.

Sometimes long-term changes can come after joining a sports team, a club and so on. The key is to focus on things that interests you both and offer support and encouragement for each other’s growth.  Sadly, sometimes friendships run their course for one reason or another. This presents growth opportunities as well, whether you end the friendship, your friend does, or it just ends.

Certainly, I have had situational friends over the years at university, work and so on and through no fault of either of us, the friendship came to a natural end. Also, I have ended friendships when growth and interests took a different direction and friends have ended our relationship, as well. This can be hard but offers opportunities for resolving conflict, internally and externally.

The key is all friendships offer growth opportunities and while some end prematurely, others stand the test of time.

Case and point: the relationship I developed with two women writers when I arrived in London some 25 years ago. Without the two of them, I might still be wandering around looking for a way into the writing community. Seriously, I remember vehemently disliking the idea of joining groups and short-term courses and was quite happy to sit in a room of my own and teach myself about novel writing and do without constructive feedback. Though such activities were worthwhile, barring the dislike of feedback, they did not get me over the social hurdle. Being on my own in a new country often felt isolating and paralysing.

But after becoming close with these two women and receiving their support and honest feedback, I found the courage to work on honing my craft out of a vacuum, which meant socialising, joining, receiving, and giving.

And here I am, wiser for it and though my novel writing career has seemingly ended, the friendships have not. They have simply been reframed, allowing us to encourage each other to move upwards and onwards in whatever direction our centre of gravity has shifted to.

On that note, I encourage you to have a think about your own friendships and what they mean to you. Remember to take care of you inside out, keeping friendships healthy. They’ll serve you and your friends well throughout the good and bad times in life.

For more tips on nurturing friendships, see the podcast mentioned above How to Nurture Friendship During a Crisis, as well as On Dating Inside Out with Cat Williams and Your Identity Inside Out with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, co-founders of Sisterhood.

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Self-Esteem for Motivation, Self-Confidence for Action

I am not sure I’ve always understood the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem but one thing for sure is that I have always known the importance of both.

When I first moved to the UK, if I was asked once, I was asked a thousand times: “where in the world did, you get the confidence to make such a move. Aren’t you afraid of failing?”

Fear of failure, I often thought, has nothing to do with confidence. But trust in your skills and abilities does. I had relied on this trust when I went to university, when I landed my first job as a reporter, when I moved from Southwest Georgia to New York City, and then when I returned to Georgia to take a job that would send me around the world.

Granted, none of the experiences offered complete smooth sailing but I hung in there, chiefly because I believed in myself. And well, if I failed, and sometimes I stumbled, I would chalk it up to experience.

No wonder I have often been told that I wear confidence in my body language, in how I walk, talk or in how I perform a task, for example.  But make no mistake about it, people with oodles of self-confidence have low moments, too.  One for me is learning to swim—I simply don’t trust myself to do it. More on that later.

In the meantime, however, confident as I might be, I have been told more times than I care to hear that my self-esteem is often lacking. How could this be? Aren’t the two inherently linked.

Of course, they are, as Kai Graham points out in UIO’s podcast: Your Voice Matters.  But they are not one in the same. Self-confidence shows up in skills and abilities to act, to do something like drive a car, play a sport, a musical instrument, bag a job, talk to people, set up a business, learn to swim. You get the picture.

In UIO’s first podcast ever, Your Confidence Inside Out, Cheryl Grace says we need confidence all the time, as much as we need warm clothing in inclement weather. So don’t turn up at your swimming lessons without it, right. And Cheryl never does.  If her own life is a measure of how far self-confidence can take you, then we should all seek it in abundance.

But how do we do that? It is as complicated or as simple as believing and trusting in your abilities, which overlaps with self-esteem, all about how you feel about yourself. Low self-esteem can certainly shake-up confidence. I know this first hand from feeling bad about myself for some odd reason or another, don’t like this or that, which starts the vicious cycle of self-criticism often leading to a downward spiral.

Looking over my shoulder, I can see that such feelings start inside and pull you down faster than you realise. Thankfully, I have managed to recover quickly from any such falls.

Sadly, however, low self-esteem can and often does hold people down. It often lurks in body image, for example, taunting self-belief and directly or indirectly impacting confidence. That is why it is so key to work inside out, looking at self-esteem from a mental/emotional perspective. Several of our podcasts offer tips on how to build good self-esteem, including the two mentioned above, as well as How to Take Care of Your Body During Tough Times with Hope Virgo.

The key is to practice self-love, however that works best for you.  It could mean repeating a mantra each day such as looking in the mirror and saying, “I am enough”, learning new things such as how to swim and testing the waters in small doses, if you will. Got it! Swimming lessons coming up for the third time.

Finally focus on what you do like about yourself and less so on what you don’t. Change what is changeable without compromising who you are or engaging in unhealthy behaviours. Remember, you are enough. As for the things you cannot change, change your perspective.

Once you feel good about yourself, you will intuitively gain more confidence to make new friends, try new activities, master new skills and so on. And remember it isn’t always about winning or losing, it is about having the motivation to play the game and enjoy it!

 

 

 

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Using Self-care As Preventative Medicine

So, what is all this talk about self-care on a regular basis? You’ve heard it, too, right?  Is it the latest craze, a buzz word or a practice that supports a healthy lifestyle?

Though the volume has been turned up on emotional and mental self-care lately—perhaps a credit to the pandemic and other challenging events—it has been around for a long time.  From prayer to yoga to Tai Chi to fad diets, self-care dominates our minds particularly in January and during difficult periods in life. It sometimes offers a narrow path out of the darkness, if not ways to cope while in it.

But here lately, self-care talk is not just about the dark days but about all days—using the concept as a preventative measure instead of a reactive one.

I like the sounds of this and here is why. Self-care has a positive influence on maintaining a healthy mind and with a healthy mind, life is easier to navigate.

As I think back over the years, I have always understood the importance of self-care on some level. As a young PR director at a Girl Scout Council, I remember announcing to the team that I was going home early to take some time for myself. Life was a bit of a circus, putting it mildly and I was the feature tight rope walker.

Yet I’ll never forget the eyeballs I got and the suggestions that our boss ought to put a stop to what was perceived as prima donna behaviour. And he might have, had he not understood a little about self-care. Bless him, I think he must have.

This was more than 35 years ago. And admittedly, for many years I would only take time to get the rest I needed just before breaking point. But after the loss of my mother in 2016, my anxiety and worry stepped up a notch, getting me an official diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder.

Only then, did I truly come to understand the importance of daily self-care. Without it, it is easy to let one’s mental health go. And while there are ways to recover, as from a physical illness, it is far healthier to practice preventative medicine, if you will.

That for me often means several practices.  For example, honouring a strict social media diet is at the top of my list. As much as I love connecting with friends and family, it doesn’t serve me to binge on social media. One thing for sure is that everybody else’s business and problems makes its way into the chatter box in my head, along with the bad news of the day and so on.

In rushes anxiety, robbing me of any sense of calm and of course, sleep, which is a great segue to another form of daily self-care. I have developed good sleep hygiene, as the experts call it, which is all about setting a routine, not only for what time to go to bed, but also the time to begin winding down, and what to include in my diet throughout the day, particularly if I have had a bout of insomnia.

Other daily practices I use include saying ‘no’ to asks that either disrespect my boundaries or trigger anxiety; taking a daily walk, even if it’s a bit gloomy outside and that happens often in London; admitting when I can’t take on someone else’s problems because I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them; and practicing mindfulness throughout the day, if only for a few minutes to focus on what I am grateful for. 

Gosh, it sounds so selfish, or does it? On the surface it might, but underneath self-care has a dominant element of selflessness. As one expert puts it, self-care is as much for loved ones as it is individuals. It simply makes us better, healthier people, which enables us to show up for ourselves and for others, not only during the best of times but also in the worst of times.

Considering what self-care is all about, I, for one, am hopeful that more of us will infuse it into our daily lives as we do other remedies that nourish us and act as preventative medicine, if you will. After all, good health is the key to better living.

For more information on practicing self-care to manage anxiety, check out UIO podcasts On Social Anxiety with Claire Eastham and On Undiagnosed Mental Illness with Eleanor Mandelstam (formerly Segall). To learn more about getting good sleep, listen to On Sleep with Dr Nerina Ramlakhan and for more insight on setting and honouring boundaries, check out On Girls Rights with Lindsey Turnbull.

Our podcasts offer great tips and timeless advice on many contemporary issues. Thank you for listening!

 

 

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Finding Opportunities In Grief

Unlikely, right. That is finding opportunities in something as all-consuming as grief.  But here is the thing: once grief sets in, it’s likely to be around for a while, if not always, though hopefully it loses its intensity in time. Of course, we all experience grief differently, but most of us can agree that dealing with loss can be akin to a destabilising journey.

No wonder it is important to find effective ways to cope. That’s where opportunities come in.

It’s hard to say when my own journey with grief got under way but I know exactly when it became up close and personal. It was with the loss of my mother some seven years ago and then it intensified again about four years later when I lost my father and another close relative.

Since then, in 2020, the world has seen loss on a huge scale. In the UK alone, there were 6.8 million bereavements during the pandemic – with around 750,000 excess bereavements during this period compared to the previous five-year average, as found in the report—Bereavement is everyone’s business—from the UK Commission on Bereavement

Perhaps, caused by the pandemic, my perspective on loss and tragedy has been stretched for miles, if you will as my roots are in the US and I live in the UK. Loss, for many reasons, seems to be everywhere, all the time—in conversations with friends, relatives, in the news, on social media and so on, causing my sympathetic nervous system, our ‘fight-or-flight’ activator, to trigger personal grief while trying to accommodate the collective grief.

It is seriously hard work, and unhealthy, too, but the good news is that I am able and willing to do the work. And while grief counselling, producing a podcast (Dealing with Grief), reading regularly on the subject and so on has been stabilising for me, it has been imperative to seek out up close and personal opportunities for healing on a regular basis.

It is all about sending a consistent message to my parasympathetic nervous system, creating opportunities to ‘rest and digest’.

For example, after my mother passed, my father changed the wallpaper on his Mac to a slideshow of family photos. I now realise that this gave him an opportunity to remember her fondly throughout the day.

After his death, I adopted the idea and enjoy a continuous slideshow on my Mac, and most of the photos, if not all of them, tend to lift me up, remembering those who have gone and reminiscing with and about those who are still here.

My niece and her softball teammates have taken the opportunity to remember their special loved ones by having personal messages inscribed in their softball gloves. So, every time, they play softball they connect with loving memories.

One acquaintance organised a lovely memorial gathering for his mother, which fell on her birthday. This comforted him, not only during the planning, but throughout the event.

Other ideas that have worked for me and others include celebrating birthdays of those who have passed in a special yet subtle way such as reading a letter from your loved one, wearing an item of clothing, jewellery, or even cooking and eating a dish that gave them great joy.

The key is to find opportunities on a regular basis that will comfort and nurture you along the journey.

For more information on coping with grief, check out UIO’s podcast, Dealing with Grief with Kristi Hugstad. Since its release in October 2020, it has been consistently our most listened to podcast.

The bottom line is: it’s important to deal with grief, whether the bereavement is recent or distant, for the sake of good health, no matter how complex or difficult it feels.

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Feeling Age and Looking Ahead Anyhow

When I turned 50, I didn’t feel any different to 40 to be honest or 30 and remember saying as much to one of my mom’s distant cousins who was a youngish 70 something.

Instead of receiving my words as arrogant as so many had, he gazed at me with a scrunched smile before telling me a short, funny story which marked his feeling of age.

Back in the day, he had an elderly auntie who taught him a thing or two about ageing. He didn’t say how old she was, just that she used to complain about aches and pains incessantly.  Auntie, for the sake of privacy, we’ll call her, could lift things that intimidated him, stand on her feet all-day and cook, fuss like a debate champion, and out run you if she needed to. You did not get sassy with her.

Still, she complained about her aches and pains, vehemently insisting that it all came with ageing.

“Auntie knows she don’t have all those aches and pains,” he and his cousins gossiped and giggled. “Ain’t nothing wrong with her.” They shook their heads at her and bored of her moaning.

Fast forward to his late 50s right into his 70s, though he looked to me much younger than his age and a perfect picture of health, he had somehow become his elderly auntie, he teased.

No way, I protested. And with a twinkle in his eye, he left it at that. But if looks could talk his would have said “you will get there, too, if you are blessed to live long enough.”

Well, here we go. I am blessed! The big day has come and gone; I have turned 60. On some level I feel like I have hit the jackpot with so much trauma and tragedy in our world but on another, I somehow know I’ve hit the marker that my mom’s cousin told me about some ten years ago.

Sure, 60 has numerous benefits and I will end on some of those, but it has certainly brought more than its fair share of superficial changes, more grey hair, wearier eyes, spreading hyperpigmentation—not to mention other things that are spreading.

And also, it has brought more substantial changes, too. These are the ones that keep me lying awake at night, not the superficial. In short, it is the reality of one’s new lane in life.

Out of the fast and into the slower lane, not the slowest yet, as I’m far from an old lady much like my cousin’s aunt. I am on the go as much as I was ten years ago, if not more, and I continue to welcome my personal trainer twice per week and my Pilates instructor once.  And no matter what you’re thinking, let me be clear. Pilates is not for old folks. If you don’t believe me, give it a try for yourself.

But in this slower lane, I am so much more aware of everything, including my niggles. And when you have a track record with health anxiety like I do, having every discomfort intensified is exhausting.

Still one acquaintance reckons that 60 is the bullseye for the feelings of ageing because it puts us intensely closer to our own mortality.

Another corroborates. You have lived more life than you likely have left. And it is this awareness that gets us noticing a creaking body that has been creaking all along, albeit not as much. And a squawking mind, too.

Enough of the downside of ageing, what about the upside. For me, it means less tolerance of things that don’t serve me. Even a few years ago, I would turn myself inside out to accommodate requests that would add to my insomnia and so on.

Still a very sensitive person, I have moments where I consider things that conflict with my values and just like that the phrase life is too short doesn’t sound nearly as trite as it used to. It rings true.

Another big bonus of ageing is that the need to control things that have nothing to do with you lessens. It does not fall away, let me tell you, but it capitulates when it knows that persistence is more harmful than helpful. Let it go!

In short, I am marginally more relaxed and more intentional at the same time. Sometimes this feeling my age has got me wondering why I wasn’t like this earlier in life.

And then something inside, inherently a part of ageing, says never mind. Look forward. It is the only way from here on out. Nothing new there, but it sure feels like it.

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UIO: A Lasting Resource

There is something about coming to the end of a story that is satisfying yet bittersweet. You see, the thing about a timeless story is that it continues spreading joy and serving as a resource for generation after generation.

Good books have that power and nowadays a timeless podcast can do a similar thing. That is my hope for UIO podcast—that its 37 podcasts will continue to be there for teenage girls and their guardians and supporters, as and when they need them.

Though I have taped and aired my last official podcast as far as I know, ending with the U Matter campaign, comprising four podcasts, it gives me great joy to see the stats continue to rise on podcasts as far back as 2017.

My first podcast ever, Your Confidence Inside Out with celebrated businesswoman and coach Cheryl Grace, continues to serve as a great resource to girls until this day. It is our third most popular podcast ever.

The second most listened to podcast taped in November 2019 with bestselling author Claire Eastham covers the ageless issue, social anxiety.

And the top podcast in our changing world was taped in October 2020, a few months into the global pandemic. Dealing With Grief with Kristi Hugstad came at a time when so many people needed it and continues to work for many UIO listeners.

That’s the idea behind all our podcasts—that they are there when you need them. Like many wonderful podcasts, ours are available on most podcasting platforms, including Apple, Google Play, Spotify and all the rest. And of course, here on my website, too!

May our podcasts continue to be a great inspiration and resource to teen girls the world over because as UIO guest Anj Handa points out, the only thing we can really be certain of is change.

So even though the subject matters are timeless and ageless, each generation will face challenges through the lens of their time, which feels like a lot of change. To this end, good resources are invaluable.

As for me, though it’s a wrap for podcasting for now, I expect my work on behalf of teenage girls to continue to manifest in varied ways. Watch this space.

In the meantime, keep listening and taking care of yourself inside out. And do feel free to drop in anytime here or on any social platform. And remember, it is U I Owe.

 

 

 

 

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When Your Parent Starts Dating

Dating can be a bit tricky at its best–getting to know another person and discovering so much about yourself.  Imagine, if you will, what it is like to date after the breakdown of a longterm relationship or the loss of a partner. Though I don’t have first hand experience in the area, l know many people who do, and I can attest to what it is like to date someone in such circumstances.

Navigating a new landscape can be challenging unto self and when there are children on the scene, it can feel a bit like a trial for all parties involved.  But no one has to fail! Though it might feel that way particularly for the offspring.

In this snippet from Your Family Matters , Dr Lisa Doodson offers practical advice on how to express concerns and feelings, while giving consideration to your parent and the choice they have made. Watch here.

And if you haven’t already, listen to the full podcast, Your Family Matters, on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Happy listening and do feel free to contact me here for further information, questions, etc.

 

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Seeing The Benefits Of A Blended Family

Until I married more than 20 years ago, I had only known a traditional family first hand, even if three of my siblings lived out their teenage years before I made it to high school. Still, we moved through life to the same rhythm, albeit it in different generations. Still, we knew one set of parents, one household.

Nowadays, however, my immediate family navigates several households if you will. Our grandchildren will reap the benefits of belonging to a blended family.

Yes, you read that right—benefits, though a blended family, sometimes referred to as a stepfamily gets a bad rap, particularly the stepmother.  Remember, the Cinderella story? Who can forget it. Anyhow, I divert.

The point is blended families don’t have to be difficult or distort one character to make a happy ending for another. Furthermore, to belong to a blended family does not necessarily put a person at a disadvantage.

In some ways there can be advantages. For example, a blended family can in many ways broaden the horizons of its members and can also increase emotional intelligence, according to Understanding Stepfamilies author Dr Lisa Doodson, guest of Your Family Matters podcast (out tomorrow).

That I can vouch for.  Planning where and how to spend a traditional holiday, for example, can be challenging for most families with different schedules, interests and so on and once you consider an added component such as a stepparent and a step sibling, the task can feel even more overwhelming, as it did for Cinderella.

But it need not be this way. If we rely on sensitivity and effective communications, for instance, we bring an openness to the table rather than the closed mindedness that can squash opportunities.

No one needs to be marginalised or feel snubbed. But everyone must bring willingness to the table. In Your Family Matters, Dr Doodson and I have a great chat about situations that can cause stumbling blocks such as the acceptance of a new partner, new siblings, understanding roles and the use of social media and how it impacts family life.

It is a must listen podcast for everyone who wants to improve their family relationships and particularly those who are navigating new territory—the blended family.

When it is all said and done, whether traditional or blended, your family matters. Check out the podcast from September 27 on Apple, Spotify, Google Play, sonjalewis.com and wherever you listen to podcasts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three Steps to Coping With Bullying

I can’t tell you how many times I have said under my breath, I cannot believe that this is happening to me. And for a split second, I’m tempted to ignore the situation, not even entertain it. Fair enough since a key thing to do when dealing with bullying is not to let the brutal words in.

Still, it is important to acknowledge what is actually happening–call a spade, a spade, accept that it is unhealthy and then talk about it.

Check out this snippet from Your Wellbeing Matters, offering great advice on how to cope with bullying.  And do listen to the full podcast on Apple Podcast, Spotify and a host of other great podcast platforms. And when you are there leave a review to spread the word.

No matter how you look at it, bullying is unacceptable because the thing is, your wellbeing really matters.

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Don’t Let It In

I love Cat Williams’ advice ‘Don’t Let It In’ in our latest podcast Your Wellbeing Matters. The UIO two-time guest, a seasoned rapid transformational therapist, is, of course, talking about the unhealthy words of a bully.

Shame I didn’t fully understand this as a teenage girl all those years ago but to be honest, I don’t remember any consistent episodes of being bullied. There were the people who picked me out to pick on me, sure, but I managed to shake them off rather quickly somehow.

I would be fully ensconced in business–well sort of, it was my first real job–before I experienced real bullying, which can be self-esteem eroding at the very least. And because I didn’t understand the important concept of not letting other people’s misconstrued perceptions get into my head, I fled as fast as I could.

This would mean a different career path for me. My hopes and dreams of becoming a seasoned journalist who would walk straight into a writing or publishing career took a rather crooked path and frankly never arrived at its originally intended destination.

To this end, I have come to understand that tremendous emotional and mental unrest comes with taking responsibility for someone else’s unhealthy behaviour or words, no matter how powerful that person is or seems. Don’t believe them.

In my case, the person held all power at the place where I worked so it wasn’t a bad idea to pack my bags and leave. My mistake was taking the unnecessary baggage with me.

No wonder I can’t get Cat’s advice out of my head. Of course, there will be missteps–that is part of personal growth. But lessons needn’t take years to grasp, thanks to varied  resources such as UIO podcast.  So, if you haven’t listened to Your Wellbeing Matters yet, now is the time to check it out.

And whether you or someone you know is experiencing bullying, or even stumbling into a place where you are the bully, share the podcast for more advice on how to cope with bullying and keep life moving in a forward-facing direction.

When all is said and done, remember the words that serve you and the rest, don’t let it in.