Category: On Life

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Stuff Happens: How to Handle It

We had a curious incident with a dog recently, that left us sort of light-hearted and with a profound understanding that stuff happens, often and fast, and most times completely out of your control, save an adjustment or two here and there.

For example, had we not left the driver’s door of our relatively new car opened while sitting on the bumper to change out of our muddy hiking boots, Lucy, the dog, would not have jumped into the seat muddy paws and all.  But we did and so it happened.

Suddenly, there was an outburst of shouting coming from the car next to ours. I ran to close the door, thinking the drama was about not being able to get into their vehicle.  But before I could apologise and close the door, I met a distressed man who explained that Lucy had enjoyed the brief pleasure of romping in our car.

Oh, I said, fumbling for words to only find apologetic ones for creating the opportunity in the first place. I closed the door and shot off to fish out the one microfibre cloth we had for emergencies. Meanwhile, the gentleman produced a wad of wet wipes which were very helpful, and Lucy looked on with doleful eyes as if to apologise for the commotion.

At that point, I was laughing in my heart, so outwardly confessed that it was kind of funny. Lucy’s owner disagreed. He was mortified but surely quite relieved that Paul and I were more relaxed than he had anticipated.

There, we had a story to tell and had no idea what lesson we had learned, other than to keep the doors of our car always closed, particularly after a muddy walk in the Lake District.

But there was more to come, which leads me back to my first point. Stuff happens that is often well beyond your control which likely pushes your melt down buttons. Feeling the heat, we have a choice to escalate the matter or shrink it so to speak. Depending on our reaction, we maintain calm or cause further calamity.

So, what happened?  We had a flat tire on a relatively narrow country road and had to pull the car over to the side but not off road, as the road was not big enough for that. Meanwhile, we stood on the boggy, leafy verge for three hours. Cars whizzed by. Most of them approached at a dangerous driving distance with the speed of a demon and others sceptically looking on as if we were simply out of our minds for breaking down in such an inopportune place.

However, two or three slowed and offered help, which we respectfully declined, awaiting pick up from our vehicle’s rescue team, which arrived three hours later.

So, what does Lucy have to do with this? First, the experience with her reminded us that incidents and accidents happen. The question is what perspective do you take—one that starts from a place of calm or one of upset? Thankfully we chose calm. Instead of blaming one another or someone else, we encouraged and helped each other to stay safe and well.

When we had the flat tyre Paul could have reminded me that it was all my fault that we were out in the first place. He wanted to stay at our lovely spa suite kitted out with an outdoor hot tub and indoor sauna, steam room, massage chair and infrared light. This was our penultimate day on holiday and the only good weather day we had experienced. Never mind!

Next, our priorities were in order as we quickly recognised that the situation could have been far worse. So, the road was country and narrow, but it was not a dirt track where only one car can pass safely at a time. And most importantly, no harm was done to us or the car.

Finally, we focused on gratitude. Sure, it was unthinkable that the wait was three hours, and we had to rely heavily on our crisis management skills to get rescued and wait at the dealer for a rental car for a further two hours, all the while the day was fading. But we were grateful that we had a solution in sight.

Sure, there were many moments when the melt down buttons blinked glowing amber, but we overcame before they burned red. Well, I probably over heated once and was quickly reminded that melting down stalls action.

That is not to say that passivity is the key in times such as these. It is not! But there is a space somewhere in between that hinges on perspective, priorities and gratitude.  Remember, stuff happens!

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That Holiday Feeling

I love visitors! Please, however, do not take this as an open invitation to visit me. I do have limits; you know.

But here is the thing. Visitors get me out of the house and into London and surrounding areas and I am always amazed at what there is to see and do. I get that holiday feeling right here at home.

For example, during my niece Nikki and her husband Keydrick’s recent visit, off we went to tour the state rooms of Buckingham Palace, a place we had not toured since my sister, Carrie, visited with her son Chandler, who was eight at the time. Chandler, now 28, visited again at age 21, and likely opened other doors to us at that time, too.

In the last year, say August to August, we have visited the Tower of London, Windsor Castle, Hampton Court Palace, as well as Buckingham Palace, and a whole host of other places that visitors love to frequent.

I know. I know. These are all tourist hot spots, the last place where any local wants to be. Can’t argue with that. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t enjoy battling crowds. Nearly forty years ago, a longstanding friend and I got caught up into the New York City Fourth of July celebrations, firecrackers being thrown into what felt like a mob. Scary!

Thank God, we lived to tell the tale, but I have been wary of massive gatherings ever since. Over the years, I have only made a few exceptions, one being the Notting Hill Carnival some 20 years ago where I had a ring side view from my then hairdresser’s balcony just off Ladbroke Grove.

That was a wonderful experience, soaking up the colourful sights and taking in the echoes of steel bands, until we braved the crowds to make our way home. We were jostled and squeezed no sooner than we hit the streets, conjuring up the fear of a stampede ensuing.

A child at heart, I promised to never enter that magnitude of crowd again if I got out alive.

And maybe I have kept my word, barring sporting events and concerts, themed events and tourist attractions, which tend to be well orchestrated to provide enough order to avoid chaos. For example, when we last visited the O2 Arena, we ducked out early and was amongst the first to hop into a taxi. It was a smooth get away if I must say so myself.

Still, I am so glad we hit the tourist trail with our visitors some of the time. We do leave them to it most of their holiday unless they really need company. Anyhow, aside from taking in many intriguing lessons in British history, we have seen countless gems and jewels that are not displayed elsewhere. As for art, the walls at castles and palaces are lined with Vermeer’s and Rodin’s and other famous originals, too, much like a popular museum.

Admittedly, however, I could not tell you who created the most memorable paintings I saw hanging in Buckingham Palace. These life-like beauties featured Queen Charlotte, wife of King George III, and Queen Alexandra, wife of Edward VII, especially Queen Alexandra’s painting. There was something about her style that felt eerily modern. Apparently, to hide a scar on her neck she made the neck choker famous.

How lovely I thought, overcome by that holiday feeling, even if the temperature was uncharacteristically hot both in and outside.

Alas, the holiday is over, the English summer of great and inclement weather all in one day has returned and has turned its face towards autumn.  Even more reason to leave it with the tourists, right? Enjoy, weather and all!

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I Take My Coffee Black

I love coffee, its alluring aroma, its gown-up taste, the buzz it offers, the latter so much so that my grandmother used to ward us off it, contending that coffee would make you ‘omnish,’ her vernacular for womanish.

Her warning has stayed with me for years, wondering what in the world she meant. If a sip of it was going to turn me into my graceful mother and her lovely sister sipping coffee in the early mornings over a past due catch up, after my aunt had made the gruelling 14 hour drive from Ohio, then I would happily suffer the fate of becoming ‘omnish’.

In hindsight, I think Mama, my gran, must have been protecting us from the drink’s bold taste, which can be too big for a child, and its addictive nature owing to caffeine and other perceived health hazards.

From being called the ‘new cocaine’ recently by a chatty London taxi driver, who notices coffee shop queues spilling onto the streets regularly, to being blamed for a many sleepless nights, anxiety and all the rest, coffee gets a bad rap.

And quite frankly some folks just don’t like it, my taxi driver being one of them. “I don’t see what people see in it. Can’t stand it.” He twisted his face much like a child who has tasted tar.

Though I have no basis to make the comparison to cocaine, I do know it can be addictive, but so can love if it becomes unhealthy. Okay, so an unfair comparison but you get my point.

All I am trying to say is that coffee does have a good side. No wonder its popularity on the high street and in hotels everywhere has surpassed other drinks of its kind.

For a small price to pay (relatively speaking) in a big-ticket world, people can indulge in an invigorating drink that gives them pleasure, if only for a little while, and something about it is binding to relationships.

We meet friends for coffee, make business deals over coffee, settle arguments over coffee and some find love over the hot stuff. We even catch up with relatives over it.

Remember my mom and her sister. Tid, our affectionate name for my mom, would add a dash of evaporated milk to hers and likely some sugar, but Auntie would take hers black, which is apparently the ticket to getting many of the benefits. Here, here to that. I take my coffee black.

According to recent research by Zoe Science and Nutrition, coffee has many benefits. Let’s be clear, drank in excess and at the wrong time, it can surely become a problem for some.

But if drank in the right dosage and at the correct time, (not before bed), it offers rewards such as improving microbiome diversity, cognitive function and healing damaged cells.

Go figure the beans have polyphenols, which are a type of antioxidant that has anti-inflammatory properties. According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), all plants have polyphenols on some level and science is rapidly uncovering their benefits to human health.

I must say this is good news for me and coffee lovers everywhere. Still, it is best not to overdose. Experts say caffeine has an average half-life of about six hours. In short, that means if you have it three hours before you sleep, you might be in for an awakening that night.

For some time, I have come to love coffee in the early mornings or rely on decaffeinated coffee, particularly in the evening on the occasion that I grab a coffee after dinner.

Apparently, caffeine does provide some of the benefits to coffee that decaf lacks, but all is not lost, not even in taste. There are some good decafs out there. I should know. After all, I take my coffee black.

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Knowing When to Quit

That’s it I have decided to quit sports.

Shocking for those who know me because I am not an athlete, not the least bit athletic, withstanding training twice per week with my PT and going to the gym for a run on the treadmill. And I am at best a fair-weather sports fan. I can only hang in there when the going is good but when it gets tough, I run for the hills.

So, what is this throwing in the towel all about. It’s about suffering, deeply felt emotions that keep me awake at night and turn me inside out. Let me tell you, this season, if you will, has been one for tossing and turning. I have certainly experienced the thrill of winning and the agony of defeat with people I don’t even know and never will.

Fair enough, when I know the person – it is much worse. During my niece Jana’s sophomore year at university as a leading softball player, known for hitting and pitching, I revved up so much energy and emotions that I would wake up in the middle of the night checking my phone for a word from abroad, anything. And if Jana had a bad game, I had several sleepless nights. Just ask my therapist or even my husband for that matter. It was costly. 

As a result, last year, her junior year, I dialled down my participation several notches. I happily found out after the game was over, sometimes the next day.

So proud of myself, I thought I was strong enough to enjoy a few sports this summer–a live tennis match here and there, a live basketball game, an English football game via osmosis and then the Olympics, a peak here and there—I jumped in this summer, I think feet first.

And all I can say is you would have thought that Taylor Townsend was my long-lost daughter as I watched her play doubles at Wimbledon. Though Taylor and doubles partner, Katerina Siniakova, prevailed and went on to win the final the next day, I was emotionally spent by the time it was all over, and well beyond. Honestly!

I repeated a similar experience with the USA Women’s Basketball Team in a pre-Olympics showcase. They were nowhere near losing when I decided to exit, owing to a palpitating heart. They gave a stellar performance, but Germany had a couple of NBA players who were stellar, too.

Exhausting and the Olympics were yet to come, but before we go there, let’s finish Wimbledon—the Men’s Final.

I outright refused to watch, quite worried that my favourite Carlos Alcaraz, who I sort of latched onto last year in the absence of Rafael Nadal, would not prevail. When it was clear that Carlos was the victor and that the match was about to end, Paul called me in to watch. I showed up and fled quickly after he missed two or three match points. But I did come back to see him recover and wrap it up.

On that same day, England’s Football team lost to Spain in the Euro 2024 final. And here is the thing, I don’t even like football, but like the rest of the folks in the country I had high hopes for the young lads and when they experienced the agony of defeat, so did I, for days.

Now on to the Olympics. What a roller coaster ride for Nadal, albeit it a short one. He exited in the second singles round, falling to Novak Djokovic and in the quarterfinal rounds of the Doubles when he and Alcaraz fell to Austin Krajicek and Rajeev Ram from the USA, my country. Still, I was gutted.

Never mind, I stayed with Alcaraz until the very end, well sort of.  Again, I refused to watch and good thing, I did not. In his rematch with Novak Djokovic, whom he played at Wimbledon, the latter was the victor this time.

Although the win was well deserved, it underscores why I have had to quit sports. Being involved causes too much emotional unrest when the win is not with my person. Never mind that these athletes are strangers.

Admittedly, I have not watched any full sporting event during the Olympics, not even gymnastics, to avoid the racing emotions which leave me exhausted. Sadly, I do repeatedly check the medals tally, mostly at night when I should be lulling off to sleep.

No wonder I’ve quit. I know, I know. Quitting has been given a bad name and likely well deserved when you give up on something that matters, but when it is taking an emotional toll on you and threatening physical health too, kick the habit.

Knowing when to say when can be a restorative thing. I am much calmer now, particularly that the Olympics are nearly over.

 

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Food: It’s Personal

No matter how you look at it, food is personal.  What we like is personal, not to mention what we don’t like. Can’t tell you how many times I have been questioned about my love for spinach. What can I say? There is no accounting for taste.

On the flipside, however, I have been criticized a few times for my dislike of beetroot. Don’t want it anywhere near my plate, except for the one-time Gordon Ramsey dished up some that didn’t taste at all like beetroot.

But here is the thing, superfood or not, food is personal, and it is not just about our likes and dislikes, it also about what our body likes and dislikes.

Not always the same thing, right.  Ever wondered why your friend can munch away at a food that you love, and you cannot. I love apples, for example, but a lovely sweet one leaves my stomach in knots. Never mind!

And remember that anti-acid commercial: I like hot dogs, but they don’t like me, etc…? You get the picture but let me be clear, food doesn’t have to be considered junk food or ultra-processed to upset the gut.  It can be super-duper, like an apple. 

Since last September, I have come to understand that my body has a real problem with digesting certain sugars and what it considers to be too much fibre.  Though I had not understood this scientifically until I started working with a wonderful consultant dietician, I had tried every all the rage diet, most loaded with superfoods, to fix the bloating and all the rest.

But once my dietician got me eliminating some of the culprits and eating less of others, life began to change. The key, however, as I have told many friends and family who see a great change in me, is to get a proper diagnosis and work with a professional. No elimination diet is safe without an expert on board.

Also key, is the personal nature of the matter.  What works for one person doesn’t always work for another. There is no one size fits all approach to nutrition.

The personal approach is refreshing. Though I have always been interested in putting the right foods together for loved ones with special diets, such as for my dad when he dealt with kidney problems, I am on a personal journey nowadays, having worked out that personalised nutrition is not just for people with allergies, intolerances, or other health issues. It is for anyone who wants to get the best out of their body and wants to see it work at optimal level. And that happens when the body gets the right balance of nutrients, particularly carbohydrates, fats and proteins consistently.

Since I have been engaged with personalised nutrition, I have learned that some foods spike my blood sugar, though I do not have diabetes and am not pre-diabetic.  But there is good news, I can eat some of my beloved treats when combining with the right balance of foods and avoid a blood sugar spike.

At the risk of getting too medical, I will leave the science at that, but I do want to say that some experts and non-experts think that if we focus too much on personalised nutrition it might lead to unhealthy relationships with food.

Proponents of personalised nutrition say it is early days yet, however, there is no evidence to support the concerns about unhealthy relations with food. On the flip side, however, there is plenty of evidence to show how personal food is to each one of us.

No wonder eating largely what nurtures me has been a game changer. Make no mistake about it, I still like my cinnamon rolls and croissants. And in a personalised nutrition approach, there is a place for them.  That’s because personalised nutrition is not a diet, rather a lifestyle change.

Not only do I have a healthier gut but lots of other wonderful fringe benefits, too. I am sleeping better. And about that spinach! My gut considers it a booster. And it is very happy to do without beetroot for the sake of my blood sugar.  What can I say. It’s personal.

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Perspective Explored and Revealed

Thank you so much for weighing in on my perspective blog which truly underscores how easy and common it is to see something in a photo, a situation, in life in a totally different way to someone else.

It all comes down to our personal filters. Having said that, however, not sure what filters I was wearing when I sauntered between the two tectonic plates in Iceland a few weeks ago and something caught my eye.

It was magical and intriguing to see it so clearly – a rather large puppy resting on its paws. 

I had to capture it.  Believe it or not, the puppy was the first thing I saw in the scene and the only thing until many of you chimed in with your sightings. Of course, I understand that it is literally rocks and snow, but my figurative imagination was switched on, as was many of yours when you weighed in. Again, thank you for offering so many different perspectives, though I am still searching for the shape of an antique chair, for example.

See below some of the scenes and sights spotted:

  • Snow on a grave marker
  • Snowy outdoor scene over trees and rocks
  • Snow bunny in a hat (a few versions of a bunny rabbit, including an Easter bunny)
  • Two faces
  • Animal like a lion reclining
  • Forest wooded area
  • Antique chair covered with snow
  • Furniture in a room
  • A lady laying down in the snow
  • Baby Yoda
  • People bowing down
  • Uncared for gravestone
  • Two small puppies or maybe just one small puppy

I worked out later that the small puppy or puppies can be seen in my big puppy’s paw. As one participant said, there is a lot to this photo. It is all what the mind spots. Still, often after someone has spelled it out to me, I find myself saying, ah ha, I can see what you mean.  A close acquaintance of mine said just that when I put before her my tracing of the puppy.

How refreshing to have my perspective seen and heard. It doesn’t always mean agreement but at least it opens the door to new experiences and perspectives.

Truly, I have enjoyed experiencing newness in this one exercise. Hope you have, too. Let’s keep it going, trying to see another’s perspective, particularly for the sake of creating a healthy legacy for living together more harmoniously.

Watch this space for more legacy talk.

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Can You See What I See?

I love this photo, not only because I see something quite specific in it but also because it intrigues me that no one else sees what I see, at least not yet. When I spotted the art, shall I call it, on a recent holiday in Iceland, I was grateful for the touchscreen friendly gloves. I snapped away and voila, it was captured.

Though Paul couldn’t quite see it in real time, later after staring at my photo, albeit for a brief spell, he sort of saw what I meant, he said very sceptically. Never mind!

I have been intrigued with amalgamations of clouds, rocks, leaves, rain, snow, sand, you name it since I can remember. I will often look up at the sky, or at rain running down a windowpane and say, “oh I see a lake, an icicle or a beautiful mountain. Do you see it?” I turn to my present company with enthusiasm.

Nowadays, that is almost always Paul, who wishes me well in my sightings but has hardly ever seen any of my amalgamations, at least not with enthusiasm anyhow. His mother, on the other hand, was a natural composition spotter just like me.

And one wonderful writer friend will often see such art before I do. Once, while visiting me, many years ago, she looked out my window at a building across the way and asked had I realised I had a muse. At that point I had not, but tuned into to my winged lady ever so often after that day.

Thank goodness there is someone who can see what I see, sometimes anyhow. It would a lonely world if there wasn’t.  But the truth is, two people quite often look at the same situation, hear the same facts and interpret them quite differently.

My photo and fun pastime of seeing things in places where they might not normally be seen took me back to a time when a colleague said to me, you have an answer for everything, don’t you? Not sure if her words were meant to be a compliment or a dig. But I saw what she meant. I have a habit of trying to see everyone’s perspective, especially during a crisis, instead of insisting that there is only one way to see things.

Let’s be clear, I often have had to make hard calls, after assessing the facts with the understanding that emotions often drive fixed opinions, even when if feels like they are logic driven.  We humans filter everything, don’t we?

How many times have you heard or said to yourself, either literally or metaphorically, “I can’t see that.”

And whether that was literally about something in the clouds or on the ground, you have likely seen something clearly and the person next to you could not for the sake of peace see the same thing, whether in your work or personal life.

Here is the thing: this is quite common. Hence, my photo. But the key to finding harmony in a sticky situation is trying to see what the other person sees and finding a healthy resolution from there.

Of course, it won’t change a thing if you never see what I see in the photograph but if you look at another person’s background, their life situation and so on, you might be able to see their point of view. Seeing what someone else sees does not mean agreeing with it or even fully understanding it. But seeing opens the door. And you can’t find resolution with the door closed.

We all have different values, beliefs, traditions, upbringings and life situations that bring us to our thoughts, our conclusions, our perspective. And that’s okay but perspective doesn’t have to be fixed if it is subjective. Let me be clear, I am not talking about finding a grey area when something is clearly black or white and there is a lot of that going on.

What I am talking about is how stepping out of a fixed viewpoint because it is a tradition or is just who you are can be revolutionising. Try and see what someone else sees, that is, if it serves a higher purpose.

For the sake of legacy, it is worth it to me.  I’d love to see what you see in my photo.  So, tell me, what do you see?

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How to Let Go of Dead Facts for Freedom

While recently attending a wellness retreat, I was asked one of the most important questions I have ever been asked: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be free? True to its nature, my analytical brain kicked in and began questioning why I couldn’t have both.

Maybe I can, who knows, but the point that the practitioner made was there I was on the edge of a defining moment, and I needed to make a choice. Fortunate for me I chose freedom and continue to do so repeatedly.

Let me explain.  While I was free externally and still am, I was trapped internally by various intrusive thoughts, tethered to some strong emotions. And as much as I tried to rationally release myself from the mind chatter and negativity, which was seeping into unwanted and unpleasant anxiety, I was powerless until I fully understood that the thoughts lived in my subconscious mind and it was running the show. 

I had to reach the source–my subconscious. More on that later.  Anyhow, the same person who helped me face this truth has a term for latent, yet disruptive and unhelpful facts. He calls them dead facts.  Let go of them or they will control you, identity, and all.

In hindsight, I can see how hundreds of dead facts have lived in my mind and slyly defined my present and future, too.  But let me be clear. I have not expelled all dead facts, though I’d love to do so. However, being aware of their destruction has redefined how I deal with adversity, how I manage conflict.

There is no point in digging in my heels when I know I am right for the sake of my ego. Just ask a few politicians, celebrities or even friends and family how counterproductive that can be.

Make no mistake about it, I will always seek justice and resolution to problems but doing so is different to holding on to negativity and allowing the situation to become a part of my identity.

So how do you reach the subconscious to let go of dead facts? First, recognise the dead facts for what they are. No matter how right you were and still are, the facts are dead. Of course, it is important to acknowledge the wrong, do what you can to resolve it and then let it go.  Only then can healing begin.

Next, make sure you send the fact(s) packing and not back to your subconscious mind. It will not rest quietly, though it might seem so. Likely it is causing more problems than you are aware of and some of the ones that you absolutely know about and would like to resolve.

And you wondered why that insult that was hurled at you some ten years ago keeps coming back to haunt you. But don’t despair, there are many ways to address letting go of the past such as meditation, prayer, and physical activity like walking, running, and exercising.

Further, there are loads of resources to aid as well, including retreats like the one I attended and highly recommended books and podcasts, too.

Also, listen to your body. Anxiety over the past and worry about the future pushes us into fight flight mode.  And when your body stays there too long, it suffers.  As you likely know, this system was given to us to flee danger and do unbelievable things like run faster, pick up something far beyond our weight and so on. 

It has worked a jewel for me many times and one of them was early 2020 when I got one of my fingers trapped in my father’s garage door. Ouch, ouch, ouch, though garage doors no longer trigger my anxiety. Though I could not get that door to open, I waited fully conscious for what seemed like forever before the fire department and ambulance arrived on the scene and freed me. It was only after I was safe inside of the ambulance and on my way to hospital that I began to feel pain and then zoned out.

Miraculously, my smashed finger did not  have to be removed nor was it broken, contrary to what the firemen and paramedics believed. My fight flight system shut down any unnecessary systems and piped up the necessary ones to protect me. Now, imagine it shutting down systems like digestion unnecessarily on a regular basis. It is not a healthy recipe.  Thankfully, your body well let you know when you are overusing fight flight.

In short, try to eliminate as many dead facts as possible from the depths of your subconscious by using helpful resources and listening to your body for much deserved freedom.

And by the way you might be asking, what does all this have to do with legacy? Glad you asked. It’s all about sharing and handing down positive change, which often means abandoning thoughts, facts, beliefs that hold you back or cause problems.  No better place to start than now, wherever you are.

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Casting Fear Aside: Let’s Talk About Race and Stick to the Facts Anyway

I’ve been planning to do a blog about race, more specifically racial gaslighting for the last couple of months but have stalled at every angle. But by George I think I’ve got it at last.

Fear has been the problem—fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being condemn. Fear, fear, fear!

Often people who speak out about their racial experiences, particularly if they are public figures, are harshly judged and dismissed for lacking credibility. Shame, because no one knows what happens in someone’s personal life. And since we live in a racially fuelled society, we need to recognise the importance of listening as well as talking with a view to making progress.

Still, at the risk of being ostracised, folks are afraid to speak out about any form of injustice, including race.

Anyhow, not sure where all this fear has come from so suddenly, as I have not only written about race a few times in my career, but I have podcasted and talked about it, too. It is just this new kid, well actually rather old kid, on the block—racial gaslighting has a way of muddling the head.

In case you haven’t experienced it yet or know someone who has, it is all about undermining your experience of racism, ensuring that you call into question the validity of the experience. This not only discounts unconscious bias and dismisses racism as real and destructive, and we all know it is, but it also feeds into systematic racism.

Racial gaslighting has been around for a long-time but here is the thing: I can’t remember it being so blatant yet tolerated in my lifetime.

Thinking back to my first few memories of when I felt that someone dismissed my experience of racism, the majority, regardless of race, seemed to come to terms with the dismissal and in some instances join with me to campaign for change.

Like, for example, way back in college/university, some White classmates didn’t particularly understand why the two Black students in a class discussion about revisiting the old south felt out of sorts when folks wanted to go back until we reminded them that they were not happy days for our ancestors.

Though my memory is hazy, (it was nearly forty years ago, after all) I think the discussion ceased at least in our presence and the door was ajar for moving forward.

Fast forward a few years later, I had an ever so heated discussion with a White male colleague/friend about reverse discrimination and though we finally agreed to disagree, he could not discount the facts.

Ah ha! Stick to the facts. That is my advice to anyone who experiences racial gaslighting—hurtful phrases such as I or they didn’t mean anything by it, it is just a joke, you are too sensitive, it is nothing to do with race, all lives matter and a rather popular question: why do Black people have to always play the race card?

In my experience, we don’t put the card into play most of the time. It is usually already there when it is pointed out such as the time, I was asked to take my backpack off when entering a museum somewhere in England, as was every other Black person but I watched my stepdaughter walk in freely without any instruction, as well as other non-Black individuals. Perhaps the door holder had no mal intent but did look a bit sheepish when she saw us fraternising.

It doesn’t sound right, does it.  And it isn’t but here is the thing, unconscious bias can wreak havoc all over the place.

Could it have been the catalyst for 84-year-old Andrew Lester shooting Black teenager Ralph Yarl, who mistakenly went to the wrong address to pick up his younger siblings. Lester opened fire on the lad without any exchange of conversation and in a probable cause statement told investigators he was “scared to death” by Yarl’s size and his inability to defend himself at age 84.

While there is plenty of debate about the case, the facts remain the facts. And facts cannot be dismissed but of course, experiences and opinions can. The same can be said of less publicised and traumatic encounters in everyday life.

So, if you are standing on the precipice of fear about talking about race, don’t jump into it, the fear that is. If you do, it is likely to paralyse you. I should know. Face the fear and stick to the facts anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

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Let’s Talk About Losing: Can We Gain from It?

Believe in Yourself

I know. I know. What a drag! No one likes to lose, let alone talk about it.  But here is the thing: losing is a fact of life, no matter how accomplished you are. You will lose at something—an election, a sporting event, a debate, a board game and so on. Take, for example, the accomplished Scrabble player in our house who has a vocabulary loaded with the English language from various countries and cultures.  He is a shoo-in, right?

Most times but he has lost a time or two to the fledgling amongst us. And as painful as it has been for him, each loss has made him better and harder to beat. I should know. I am the underdog at Scrabble. So how does he do it? He learns from his mistakes, of course.

What’s new, you might be asking? Isn’t that one of those things that we learn in kindergarten–learn from your mistakes. Sure, but perhaps there are a few lessons that go hand in hand with learning from mistakes that we hardly ever implement.

One of them is feeling the loss and bouncing back from it anyway. Yes, it is natural to cry or feel gutted in the immediate aftermath of the experience.  I have seen plenty of athletes shed tears or show their disappointment at losing a game/a match and come out fighting the next day. The point is ignoring difficult emotions can be unhealthy both mentally and physically, so best to acknowledge and deal with them.

However, there is a huge difference between feeling the loss and being a sore loser.  Almost always, a sore loser is too upset to learn from the experience, which is a great segue to the next point.

Let it go! At first, blinded by tears or painful feelings, this might be hard to do but holding on to the past often clouds your view and can lead to depression.  A cloudy view is not a good starting place to learn lessons, even if you don’t get depressed. As a girl, I was a high performing runner and one day at a school competition stalled at the start line and I never let go of that humiliating, horrible feeling. It stalled me forever as a runner. 

That’s why I know letting go is easier said than done.  Doing so often means accepting the situation for what it is, meditating, praying, studying, practicing, overcoming any errors that might have contributed to the loss and looking to the future with belief in yourself.

Most of us either know someone who has done a remarkable job at letting go or have our own personal experience.  I certainly have and have reaped the benefits, for example, in my writing.  And if we don’t have an up close and personal example, we don’t have to look too far for inspiration. Examples that spring to mind are Jennifer Hudson who did not win American Idol but look at her now and Michael Jordan who didn’t make his varsity basketball team. Everybody knows his name.

A third lesson to be learned from losing is to play your own game, even if others don’t believe in you, or you think someone else is better. This means fully immersing yourself into your skill, delivering the goods in flow, also known as the zone. I have experienced the flow as a writer and have watched numerous athletes perform from this mystical place within, which brings the mental and the physical together magically. The key is to keep other people and things out of your head. It is just you.

Another lesson has to do with taking ownership.  Don’t worry about what so and so didn’t do unless it truly is an impediment. Do what you do, as my brother often tells our niece. And I’ll add, get what you need to grow.  

A passage from Michelle Obama’s book, The Light We Carry, in which she complained of a math teacher who struck her as arrogant, sums it up beautifully.

After her mother heard her complain, here is what she said. “You don’t have to like your teacher and she doesn’t have to like you, she said. “But she’s got math in her head that you need in yours, so maybe you should just go to school and get the math.”

Finally, give your all and when you have done that, you have done enough.  In the early days of playing Scrabble, for example, I was a bit of a sore loser.  I’ve come along away.  Whether I win or lose, I give my all the entire game, playing my game, and when it is all said and done, I don’t feel rubbished at all. I know I am enough!

For more tips on personal development, check out UIO’s podcast On Personal Development with Robyn Spens, which is loaded with advice on how to develop your full potential. And for information on overcoming challenges, listen to Rising Above Odds  with Hannilee Fish, who shares her personal story about overcoming seemingly insurmountable challenges.