Category: On Life

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Relaxing During Testing Times

Exams and GCSEs are what’s happening on this side of the pond and lots of end of the year tests are in progress  on the other — some decide whether one passes to the next grade or not! No wonder, so many of you are feeling stressed right about now. That’s intense, no matter how you look at it.

Something’s gotta give, right? I know the feeling, even though it’s been a while since I had to sit an exam for one reason or another, but not so long that I’ve forgotten the pressure. Reading, studying, and cramming incessantly often left me too exhausted to sleep. You too. The hours meant for sleeping, especially the night before, was often spent tossing and turning fitfully.

I can still just about remember the feeling of sweet relief that washed over me when the big day had come and gone. Even if I immediately began to worry about my scores, there was something liberating about having the exam behind me.

Upon reflection, however, I now know taking exams doesn’t have to be that intense. Of course, preparation is key and that is where planning comes in but planning, as helpful and necessary as it is, might not be enough to remove some of the stressors.

There are plenty of wonderful ways to de-stress, such as yoga, meditation and so on, but some techniques take time and money and often when in school, the two can be sparse. That’s why I tend to return to two failsafe ways of relaxing, both take very little time and don’t have to cost a penny.

First things first: learn how to breathe again. Yes, you read it right. Years ago, I tried a technique called transformational breathing and though it is not for everyone, for the two reasons I mention above and others, we could all learn from the basic premise, which amends the mind positively, helping the recipient to relearn to breathe deeply and slowly.

And you didn’t know you had forgotten, right. I didn’t either until suddenly I was asked to take deep breathes rather slowly. Only then did I realise that my breathing had become shallow and it was taking a toll on my overall existence.

And though I don’t practice transformational breathing anymore, I often re-train myself to breathe properly again, anywhere and anytime and it works, to slow the mind down, the body, too and offers respite from whatever pressure is in the air. Works a jewel at night when stress is looming large over sleep, slows the mind right down, making way for sleep, something that we all need plenty of and certainly when facing exams.

Read more about breathing deeply and slowly and transformational breathing in my HuffPost blog Breathing Through The Holidays.

Now about slowing down, why not go for a walk as another simple way to de-stress. I know, I know, you thought running was my thing. It is! Some of my best ideas have come out of a long run and often when I go out for a walk, I find myself revved to run. But lately, I have learned to slow it down and come to appreciate walking for what it is, a very natural way of eradicating the mind of chatter and worry and relaxing the body, too.

First on a retreat where walking was mentioned as a way to stimulate writing, I struggled to keep it slow, but then when my trainer mentioned that walking was less stressful on the body, I put it to the test, trading in a run for a walk at least once per week.

For me, walking is not so much about pulling ideas out of the subconscious mind, the R-mode, but more so about abiding in that right mind, if you will, for as long as I can. And in that mental state, I find myself automatically relaxed.

So much for testing times! Why not relax your way through them?

 

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Six Ways To Handle Peer Pressure

The saying goes that only two things in life are certain—death and taxes. And the latter has become a rather grey area for some. Never mind. But here is the thing: the older I get the more I wonder if there is a third certainty that we all have to reckon with. Yep, you guessed it: peer pressure.

We all experience it throughout life. Ever since I can remember, I’ve known about it. Of course, as a child I might not have known its name or fully understood it, but when one of the kids of my youth encouraged me to hide underneath my great grandparents’ old house, though we had been warned of snakes and other dangers, I couldn’t resist the possibility of an adventure. Others had done it and lived to tell the tale. So did I but not without causing a lot of upset to a whole lot of people.

Fast forward, as a middle-aged woman (gulp) the pressure is still on daily, also known as keeping up with the Joneses, not something that I consciously engage in. While peer pressure can be far more elusive at this age, it’s there. For example, when considering strong encouragement from a peer on what outfit to wear for a celebrated occasion, for example, I find myself tempted to give in to what others are doing or to make comparisons that leave me feeling glum.

Make no mistake about it, I know all talk about grooming isn’t about peer pressure. I receive lots of handy advice with no pressure at all and have been known to give out some too, but when peers, people around us, pressure us to do things that make us uncomfortable that might have negative consequences mentally or physically, it is important to see it for what it is—peer pressure.

My examples are small things, don’t sweat them, but there are bigger ones that can be quite intense during the teen years such as pressure to stay out beyond a curfew, drink, smoke, cheat on an exam, get up to shenanigans online, engage in violence, have sex and so on.

Many of these big topics gain momentum in the name of youth or because they are billed as a rite of passage and/or because everybody else is doing it. And if given in to, the consequences can be life altering.

Thankfully, there’s plenty of wonderful advice out there to manage peer pressure. Hence, I have taken six top tips from UIO’s podcast series:

 

  • Keep self-confidence in tow – ‘Just like we put on coats and gloves when we go out into inclement weather, we need to put on self-confidence when we step out into the world.’

  • Show yourself some love and take care of yourself – ‘Your body serves you now. It really is your temple. Look after it.’

  • Don’t worry what everybody else is doing – ‘Try to avoid making comparisons, you are unique.’

  • Know yourself, what you really value and hang onto it – ‘The thing that you want to dull because you are not fitting in. That is your bit of uniqueness. Own it. It is your superpower.’

  • Dare to be different – ‘It takes a brave girl or woman to say wait a minute, I think I am worth more. I have infinite worth and value.’

  • Think about who you hang out with; who you choose to trust – ‘Those that matter won’t mind; those that mind won’t matter.’

All good stuff from the ladies of UIO. Now about that adventure; it was a hiding to nothing and hardly worth the admonishment I received from my father. As for bagging the right outfit for a special occasion, now is the time to dare to be different. Feeling less stressed already.

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Leading To Influence Positive Change

When I was a teenager, I thought leadership was exclusive–for class officers, students interested in position or people who had some kind of inherent leadership characteristics and the adults in our lives, teachers, principals and all. The rest of us didn’t have to think too much about leading unless we were given a specific role to take the lead on, be it in academics, arts or sports—captain of this or that, right.

Wrong! Now that I reflect, I can see how we all led, by example, even when we had no intention to do so.  And til this day, we all still do. Leadership is inclusive, like it or not.

According to leadership expert, John Maxwell: “The true measure of leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less.”

Of course, I am taking Mr Maxwell’s words at face value and out of the context of a corporate environment and why not. They ring true all the same. We all have an influence on someone or something at some point in our life. The leadership expert points out that, according to sociologists, even the most isolated individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime!

So there you have it, you might as well be intentional about it and positive, too.

Case in point: As a teen girl, I never knew how much influence I had over my younger sister until I set a foot wrong.  It was like leading her down a dark path. Only after a hair-raising incident, which I dare not repeat here, did I realise that I was a bit of a role model for her.  That was heavy stuff and all I could think then was I didn’t want the influence but like it or not, I had it. Thus, it was responsibility time, not necessarily to become a goodie two shoes, but to remember my values, and stay true to them when faced with peer pressure, for example.

Fast forward forty years later (I know, I know), a cousin of a similar age to my younger sister confessed that she always looked up to me, that I had a huge influence over her. Thankfully, I was a quick learner and realised that I had the power to influence. Even today, I take this simple fact into consideration when faced with choices that are on the fence. And I get a lot of these.

I say this not to put pressure on you or to put you under a microscope but just to offer a gentle reminder that you don’t have to be grown-up and ensconced in a leadership role, whether as a politician, teacher, doctor, etc.. or a budding politician, athlete or academic to be a leader. All you have to do is to be you.

And you don’t need to be defined by your past, a lesson I’ve learned along the way, which was reiterated at the Rocking Ur Teens Conference back in March. On that note, check out the newly released podcast for more inspirational tips and advice to this end.

In the meantime, take the lead for positive change whether you are running for class office or just running for the bus. You never know who you are influencing.

 

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Seeing The Light For A Happy Holiday

There’s nothing like negative energy to put a dampener, even a darkness, over a holiday. It moves fast. Once it takes hold of you, you change, go up in arms and see the world through cloudy eyes. And the cloud can hang around for days and make a good time bad, certainly if you are not intentional about lifting it.

There goes my holiday, I thought, watching everyone around me being served, including my husband on a business-class flight, where this kind of thing is not supposed to take place, right? Wrong, as it happens.

All I could think as we neared the male-dominated culture where I was hoping to broaden my horizons, while relaxing a bit as well, was: it is going to be a long two weeks. Never mind that that it had been a smooth ride so far, turbulence had hijacked my heart, as well as my mind.

Thankfully, however, I had just read an InStyle piece by writer–filmmaker Ava Duvernay, about the concept that darkness moves faster than light in her new film, A Wrinkle in Time.[1] Though she believes the idea is true, she still maintains that light is stronger than darkness.

Ah ha! Here was a chance for me to see the light. So as the words ‘sexism’, ‘racism’ or both, or plain ole ‘trifling-ism’, floated around in my head like several overactive helium balloons, I remembered the article, reached for it and reread it and, in my negativity, begrudgingly agreed with Duvernay.

Still, no matter how I spun my situation, I had been overlooked, which consequently led to a feeling of marginalization. I could feel the negative energy rushing through my head. Then oddly, I remembered two descriptions of mismanagement of anger from The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee: the hedgehog and the rhino concepts.[2] Yep, these concepts are exactly like the animals they are named for.

Momentarily, I became a hedgehog, most uncharacteristic of me, and curled up into a prickly ball and threatened to stick anyone who came near me, and in the next moment, my rhino tendencies took over.  And just as I was about to charge, an air steward rushed over with a tablecloth bearing an apology, which actually seemed sincere.

Only then did I call upon my positive strength to ward off the negative energy that was ruining the holiday that hadn’t even begun. Attentively, I listened.

There had been a mix-up. As I was in a middle seat and there was no one to the left of me, each steward had thought the other was taking care of me. It happens, right? Never mind the iPad(s) they walked around with listing all passengers and where they were seated.

So there I was with two paths before me: I could let the darkness hang over the situation, exacerbated by the inflated balloon of thoughts; or I could let light push through.

In a flash, I took a middle ground. Through gritted teeth I accepted the apology, but only after I mentioned how terribly upset and disappointed I had been, and that I hoped it wouldn’t happen again … to anyone. Full stop!

There, I could get back to looking forward to my holiday were it not for the balloons of negative thought. Though somewhat deflated, they were still bobbing in the background. Even after the cabin manager had rendered an apology and came bearing an expensive bottle of wine, followed by yet another apology from another big wig, I couldn’t quash the negative thoughts.

They had to go to make way for the light. But how? Then I had a lightbulb moment: I had to be intentional. End of story. They were my thoughts, mine only, and only I could get rid of them.

So, after some serious reasoning with my subconscious mind, it happened – it was addressed, there was no need to harp on all the –isms because, after all, doing so was going to ruin our holiday, no one else’s, so I had to let it go. The message got through.

That’s when I heard the voices of many happy Minions – you know, the ones that cheer when you win a video game. And then I saw fireworks exploding with beautiful light. So glad I caught it … the light, that is. A happy holiday was ahead.

 

[1] InStyle, March 2018, Let There Be Light by Ava Duvernay.

[2] The Marriage Book: How To Build A Lasting Relationship by Nicky & Sila Lee (Alpha Resources, 2000).

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Travelling To Make And Celebrate History

School years do whiz by and all the while talk about the future runs rampant—whether to go onto university, take a gap year, do an internship and so on. All good stuff. Still I firmly believe living in the moment is key, too.

This got me thinking about how to make experiences of today beneficial tomorrow and immediately, the topics of travelling and history came to mind, two concepts that are indelibly linked.

While travelling often feels like a light topic, something for fun, perhaps for a gap year and so on, history is a heavy one, recording the good, the bad and the indifferent. It is a topic that some love while in school, others find it hard to come to grips with. I have always fallen somewhere in between, a curiosity to know as much about the past as I could, quickly followed by a sense of information overload. Enough already, so there went my A’s.

However, as I got older and honed my research skills, my brain developed more of a tolerance for history—the more I knew, the more I wanted to know. And then I started travelling. And the rest is, well, history.

While I wanted to have a fun holiday or a good work experience, don’t misunderstand me, I immediately saw the benefits of getting to know a new culture, seeing life through the lenses of the locals, learning about their trials and tribulations, the things that shaped them, fashioned their history.

Post Master in traditional dress

My first memorable experience of doing so was co-leading a group of students to the Philippines on what we called a work camp many years ago on behalf of my then employer Habitat for Humanity International.  Quickly, I learned the difference between living on the surface of an experience and delving into it.

Admittedly, I had never felt so far from my comfort zone that I wanted to run for the hills or rather for the city, the creature comforts, except for one night when I couldn’t bear to sleep outside all night on the grounds of a mall. Pathetic, if I must say so myself. But while I could leave my tent unpitched in Albany, Ga, I couldn’t do that in the Philippines and I am glad I couldn’t. It was the beginning of a raised consciousness, which instantly made me a more compassionate, more open-minded, more grateful person. In short, I became a better person and thankfully that betterment has continued.

All I was asked to do was live a certain way for a couple of weeks if that—no electricity, no running water, sleeping under mosquito nets, etc., when much of the world’s population has no choice but to live this way indefinitely.

Sounds like a bit of reality TV, doesn’t it? But it was and still is the real deal for many. Admittedly, I hoarded a lot of guilt to begin with, as if I had somehow contributed to the situation, but over time I have learned to turn that guilt into positive action in my thinking, my giving, my doing and not just when I travel.

But particularly when I travel, which I do quite a bit of nowadays, I make an effort to get to know the people. Make no mistake about it, I still don’t do camping and therefore cannot recommend it, but what I do, as I did in Sri Lanka, is to try to dine with the locals when possible, talk with them, contribute to the economy, represent humanity as decently as I can, learn something about their joys, their sorrows, their pains, their pleasures, share in them as and when appropriate, and it not only makes my holiday richer, but it has a bearing on my life experience—on theirs, on history.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Inheriting Grandchildren: Removing The Step Between US

Life is abundant with experiences, good, not so good and indifferent. Some of them are the last thing you expect, like having grandchildren and you don’t even have children. Yep, the cat is out of the bag. I’m fessing up here. But you won’t find a traditional granny here, though I’d like think my heart is a big as my both my grandmothers. And certainly, I have as much fun as mine did. Great memories, there.

Anyhow, read more in my HuffPost blog. And by all means share your your non-traditional ‘grandparenting’ stories right here or on the Huffington Post.  As for me, I have lots of playing to do. I mean work. Tune in for April’s read.

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A Closer Look at Your Skin Inside Out

Week three of our UIO social media campaign reached new heights with the interest in our inspirational quotes and hot tip from Episode 3: Your Skin Inside Out with entrepreneur Jenny Hawkins of The Skin Retreat in Fulham, London.

How refreshing to not only feature Jenny, who is ever so passionate about skincare, but also to put the spotlight on skincare. So many misnomers out there to do with what causes acne, blemishes and so on and even whether or not to use sunscreen and when to do so.

No wonder we jumped into a couple of conversations on related matters, one with Stylecraze.com on the importance of using sunscreen throughout the year, come rain or shine, and the other on the subject of acne featured in Forbes magazine. What does sugar have to do with it?

On Sunday, we featured a fantastic illustration from the talented Heather Moulson, who has contributed brilliant illustrations to UIO.  We call our girl Sadie and highlighted her fresh freckled face and how to care for it.

If you missed anything, check it out @uiopodcast on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and join us in #tuningintogirls.  Oh, and if you didn’t hear the podcast, it’s not too late to listen right here.  Also, you can listen on iTunes, Stitcher and Tunein.  Stay tuned for next week’s round up on Body Image.

 

 

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UIO Launches Instagram Page

More excitement to cheer about at UIO: You Inside Out, the podcast for teenage girls.  Today, we launched our Instagram business page @uiopodcast. Follow us, like us, join us on Instagram.

This page follows the recent launch of our Facebook and Twitter pages.

With three dedicated social media pages, UIO aims to celebrate what it means to be a teenage girl today while advocating and campaigning on their behalf.

We’ll highlight great inspirational quotes and hot tips from our special guests—women featured in the podcasts: Cheryl Grace, Judit Ressinka, Jenny Hawkins, Laura Miles, Joy Miller, Jane and Molly Goldberg, Jenny Garrett, Rachel Gardener, Helen Lewis and Natalie Savvides–as well as creative photographs of teenage girls from both the US and UK.

Again join us, follow us, like our posts. Message us directly @uiopodcast or email UIO@sonjalewis.com. See you on Instagram.

Meanwhile, stay tuned for more UIO news.

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UIO Gets Dedicated Facebook Page

Earlier this year when I launched UIO, the new podcast for teenage girls, I was bouncing off the walls with passion for the project. Not something necessarily to be proud of, as it was annoying for some—the persistent phone calls, asking for this and that, the constant nattering about it all the time.

Thankfully, however, for many, including the ten women who agreed to an interview, it was a really good idea, something they wanted to see take off, too.

One thing that we could all agree on, to paraphrase one of them ‘anything for teenage girls.’ We’re all connected to a teenage girl or two in some way. And as women, we’ve been there done that and can relate to many of the growing pains.

And here we are months later, announcing our first UIO social media page on Facebook. Others are soon to follow. Until then, any and everything UIO can be found here, including a little background.

On that note, as I watch my niece grow into a young lady, seemingly under a misty day, I can’t help feeling that I owe it to her and her generation to not only try to put a few things right that are ever so wrong but also to stand along side them as they clear up the mist, if you will.

With UIO, I have chosen a single sex platform to give girls a space to deal with issues that are either exclusive to them or impact them disproportionately. For example, research shows that girls are sexualised earlier and more often than boys.

But I do think boys can enjoy the podcasts, too. They are just not aimed at them. In any case, UIO relies on Christian ethics and principles. My faith is at the engine of the podcast. Nonetheless, UIO is not solely for Christian girls. Listen to Prelude One for more on UIO’s roots and to hear more about my desire to support all girls.

The idea is to celebrate what it means to be a teenage girl today while advocating and campaigning with a view to influencing positive change. I call it straight talk because so many of the subjects are hush hush, even if the world has become more explicit. Most people don’t want to talk about tough topics such as sex, sexuality, body image and so on. At UIO, it is the real deal.

To this end, we invite you to like our page, join in the conversations, listen to the podcasts, tells us what you want to hear about, suggest a guest—anything you can think of that serves teenage girls. More podcasts are to come in 2018. In the meantime, check out the 2017 series.

 

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Keeping Relationships Alive

Lately, I have noticed how a few of my longstanding relationships are fizzling out, though one in particular keeps thriving.  Not to say that the ones that are fizzling  have ceased to exist altogether. On the contrary, now and again, there is an occasion to interact, to relate. But here is the thing: something is amiss.  Frankly, it is downright awkward at times, regardless of acquaintance. What’s this all about?

In my latest  Huff Post blog, I point out that while there is much advice out there for couples on how to keep love alive, there is little said to friends and family about how to keep relationships alive, particularly from a distance.  Read more  in the Huffington Post UK Keeping Relationships Alive.

And please do have your say on the matter, too, here or directly on the Huff Post.